I often encounter people who have suffered terribly in their marriage and ended up facing divorce. They genuinely wonder if there are common patterns or factors that contribute to marital breakdown. They genuinely wonder if there’s something that unites everyone who falls into the same trap. One contributing factor can be a sense of overconfidence or a belief that their relationship is somehow immune to common challenges. My take is that these couples tend to believe they’re smarter than everyone else, certain that no rules apply to them—not even in family life. While there are no strict "rules," there are established principles and practices that contribute to healthy and fulfilling relationships. But the rules of living do exist, and so do the rules of married life. When people ignore them, they start committing the very mistakes that erode love and lead to heartbreak. They rely on the initial intense emotions of infatuation, often engaging in projection by assuming their partner will change to meet their expectations. They trust their initial emotional high to magically reshape their partner’s personality, never suspecting that unconditional love alone isn’t enough to fundamentally “remake” another person. They enter marriage with no plan at all, not laying out even basic goals for themselves or the relationship, and then wonder why life feels like a giant question mark.

Spouses often fall prey to the false consensus bias, assuming their partner shares their perspectives, values, and desires. It’s also common for spouses to assume their partner thinks exactly the same way they do—so a husband or wife interprets personal wishes as shared plans, only to be blindsided when the other person’s worldview differs drastically. This can lead to significant disappointment when they discover fundamental differences in their worldviews and life goals. Another complication arises when one spouse is noticeably older: the younger one might initially rely on their maturity, then later claim to have “outgrown” them. Couples may also misinterpret each other's actions, attributing hidden meanings that are not intended. This can be exacerbated by confirmation bias, where they selectively focus on information that confirms their pre-existing assumptions about their partner. Couples also tend to read into each other’s actions, seeing hidden meanings that aren’t there, or they believe they can mirror someone else’s marriage without considering the unique needs and dynamics of their own relationship. or they believe they can mirror someone else’s marriage without realizing that what works for another couple might be a complete disaster for them. They may engage in splitting, fluctuating between idealizing and demonizing their partner, rather than maintaining a balanced and realistic view. Above all, many spouses rely on emotions rather than objective observation, so one moment they view their partner as a wonderfully kind soul, and the next they condemn them as an ungrateful monster.

From a psychological perspective, these pitfalls point to deficits in self-awareness, empathy, honest communication, and emotional regulation. From a psychological perspective, each of these pitfalls reveals a lack of self-awareness, empathy, and honest communication. If you truly want a faithful, enduring partnership, you have to accept that reality is bigger than your initial love-struck illusions. Start by being clear-eyed about goals, acknowledging your partner’s autonomy, and taking responsibility for your own happiness. Practice the basics of healthy communication and do your best to see each other as you both really are, not as you wish the other person would be. A marriage stands a far better chance of staying strong and loyal when you stop believing you’re exempt from the “rules,” and instead use a little humility, mutual respect, and plenty of common sense.