Many people find it astonishing how a couple, during their wedding with tears of joy in their eyes, can sometimes just a few years later, show up in the same building—or even in court—this time with tears of anger or bitterness. It seems like a huge mystery, but for those who study relationships in the field of psychology, the puzzle often has straightforward explanations. People get married for a variety of reasons: some are genuinely and deeply in love, some feel forced into marriage by circumstances like pregnancy or financial insecurity, and others believe marriage will elevate their life in a tangible way. A few truly find that unique partner who gives them a high degree of emotional connection and support within their marriage. Yet life is rarely simple, and people also divorce for equally varied reasons: love fades, dependence is outgrown, hopes for a better future are dashed, or that “perfect” partner turns out to be far from what was initially assumed.

From the First Fairy Tale Glimpse to Harsh Reality

In the early stages of a relationship, couples may experience idealization, overlooking or minimizing potential problems. This can be fueled by cognitive dissonance, where they rationalize concerning behaviors (such as gambling, laziness, addiction, or excessive flirting) to maintain their positive view of the relationship. They might also engage in denial, refusing to acknowledge the potential long-term impact of these issues. In the dreamy early days, couples can be so “romantically naive” that they overlook obvious red flags—thinking that love alone will magically cure a partner’s gambling habit, laziness, addiction, or tendency to flirt with everyone in sight. They convince themselves that with enough affection, they can reform anyone. Others rush into marriage just to escape a difficult home life or dodge the fear that nobody else will want them. Sometimes people are also trying to live off another’s resources or social status, hoping marriage will solve all their problems. In rare but beautiful cases, a man and a woman meet and truly hit it off, sharing not only love and attraction but also compatibility in their worldviews, intimacy preferences, attitudes about money, childrearing, and daily life.

Why Disappointment Strikes and Divorce Becomes Inevitable

Over time, individuals change. Some mature and realize they’ve been fighting a losing battle, finally admitting that nobody can force someone else to quit drinking, break off toxic friendships, or become a responsible adult. Disillusionment can also arise when the anticipated material or emotional benefits that motivated the relationship, reflecting an instrumental approach, fail to materialize. Many couples also become disillusioned when the material or emotional benefits they hoped for never materialize. In some cases, relationships may involve exploitation or unequal power dynamics, where one partner benefits at the other's expense. When this dynamic shifts or the dependent partner gains independence, the relationship may dissolve. In certain scenarios, one partner has taken advantage of the other—whether for money, social status, or practical convenience—and once they’ve had enough, they feel strong enough to move on without regret. People who once believed they could rely on someone else for security wake up to their own capabilities, discover they can thrive independently, and decide to part ways. Changes in emotional connection and the development of new romantic interests can also contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. And then there are those who simply fall in love again with someone new, leaving behind the old relationship to start fresh.

The Role of Growing Self-Esteem and Self-Reliance

Many divorces happen precisely because individuals gain confidence over time. At first, they needed someone else to feel safe—perhaps financially, emotionally, or socially. But after a while, they find their own footing, push aside illusions, and realize they no longer need to endure a bad situation or keep clinging to dreams of “fixing” their spouse. From a psychological standpoint, this increased self-reliance is often a sign of healthy personal development. It reflects growth in self-efficacy—the belief in one's ability to navigate life independently—and a greater sense of autonomy. Of course, when one partner wants to grow and the other stays stuck, conflicts intensify. What once seemed like a fairy-tale love story morphs into bitterness and frustration if they refuse to evolve together.

Learning from the Cycle of Love and Loss

Still, it’s not all gloom. The central lesson from these patterns is that people often enter marriage with a mix of genuine love, hopeful illusions, or external pressures. Sometimes things work out because they chose well and committed wholeheartedly to nurturing the relationship. Other times, the mismatch in expectations becomes too big to overlook. The key is to understand what fuels each partner’s decision—both at the beginning and at the end. When couples are honest about why they’re marrying, face their own insecurities, and communicate openly, the union has a better chance of survival. Relationships characterized by rigid hierarchies or power imbalances can face challenges due to a lack of mutual respect, open communication, and shared decision-making. And if it doesn’t last, each person can walk away with self-awareness and a greater sense of who they are. Ultimately, human relationships are complicated, but recognizing one’s true motives—and the partner’s—can make all the difference between heartbreak and a fulfilling journey.