There’s an old-fashioned idea floating around that it’s a man’s job to initiate every conversation or date, while women should simply wait. But the world is not that simple, and human psychology isn’t governed by dusty rules. Often, this belief exists to tip the scales of “who’s more important” in a relationship. From the perspective of social psychology, showing interest in a potential partner can create a sense of vulnerability, especially if there's a perceived imbalance in the level of interest expressed. This can be further influenced by individual attachment styles, particularly an anxious attachment style, which is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a need for reassurance. Yet ironically, playing hard to get can lead to missed connections, frustration, and confusion on both sides.

The Myth of ‘He Should Always Write First’

We sometimes assume that if someone isn’t taking any action, it means they’re uninterested or unavailable. But relationships are more nuanced. For one thing, there’s a chance they think you’re off-limits or simply doesn’t register your signals. If someone is in a fragile emotional state, they may be more hesitant to initiate contact due to fear of rejection and potential damage to their self-esteem. So rather than sitting on the sidelines, you might want to reach out.

What Happens When You Take the Initiative

When someone decides to send the first message, they’re not violating cosmic laws. They’re actively shaping their own life. If there’s genuine chemistry, they might be relieved to know you’re interested, and that small step can open the door to further conversations and shared moments. Research in relationship dynamics suggests that clear communication and expressions of interest can significantly reduce misunderstandings and foster connection. But if you stay silent solely because of some unwritten rule, you could miss out on a truly fulfilling connection.

Should You Apologize First After a Fight?

Another belief says that whenever there’s conflict, the man should initiate reconciliation—otherwise he’s not “man enough.” Yet that idea overlooks the basic concept of emotional responsibility. If you recognize that you’ve triggered an argument or fueled the tension, why wait for them to swallow their pride and approach you? Most people, when they value a relationship, prefer to resolve conflicts constructively rather than prolonging negativity. However, individuals differ in their communication and conflict resolution styles. Saying “I’m sorry” first isn’t humiliating—it shows maturity and respect. Refusing to do so can turn you into someone who appears stuck in a childish stance.

The Worries About One-Sided Planning

There’s also the fear that if you’re always the one initiating outings—whether it’s going to a café or watching a movie—they’re not really into you. The inner dialogue goes: “They never ask me first, so I must not matter.” But that’s not necessarily the case. Some individuals are simply less creative in making plans or prefer going along with what you want. If someone consistently agrees to plans and appears to enjoy the time spent together, it's a positive sign. However, it's also important to consider whether they are also initiating plans or expressing their own preferences. Turning this into a crisis might sabotage something that was working perfectly well.

Why We Sometimes Play Games

It’s surprisingly common for people to ignore the very situations where doing so could lead to a positive outcome, then suddenly become pushy when it’s clear the other person isn’t responding at all. It’s easier to parade one’s pride when there’s little emotional investment, but the moment real feelings arise, the balance shifts. You might end up chasing someone who’s genuinely indifferent, all while avoiding perfectly good connections because you’re hung up on “rules” about who should text first.

The Importance of Self-Awareness

Before you worry about what friends say or what some blog told you, pause and examine your own emotions. If you truly want to say hello, why not do it? If you realize you messed up during a quarrel, why expect them to magically fix everything? In cognitive behavioral therapy, there’s a notion that distorted beliefs fuel anxiety and keep us stuck. If you cling to the idea that you “lose value” by initiating contact, you’re potentially harming your own prospects for happiness. Examples of cognitive distortions that can contribute to this include mind-reading ("He's not texting me back, he must not like me."), catastrophizing ("If I text him first, he'll think I'm desperate and never want to talk to me again."), and all-or-nothing thinking ("If he doesn't respond right away, it means he's completely uninterested.").

Final Thoughts

If you like someone, reach out. If you argued and it was your fault, don’t hesitate to smooth things over by messaging them first. And if they happily go along with your ideas, maybe that’s a sign you’ve found a comfortable dynamic—why break it because of external pressures? No one can read your mind, and there’s no reason to wait in silence hoping someone else will magically do what you’re wishing for. Real communication, after all, is a two-way street. Acting on your genuine feelings, instead of fixating on old-school roles or self-imposed rules, can transform misunderstandings into real opportunities for connection. Embrace that courage and you might just find yourself in a healthier, more authentic relationship than any textbook “rule” could guarantee.