The term Narcissist derives from the Latin term narcissism, from the Greek mythology of Narkissos, (Narcissus as we know it in Latin) who died pondering the beauty of his own reflection over a pond. The narcissus or 'daffodil' as it is more commonly known, is also the flower of March.  Many of us are familiar with the gesture of gratitude oft received for donations during the month of March to the March of Dimes-a beautiful, yellow daffodil.

And much like the beautiful flower are narcissists themselves-alluring, beguiling, larger than life and forever charming.  Instantly coming to mind we are familiar with Donald Trump who in the Nov 11th, 2015, edition of Vanity Fair caused Howard Gardner, professor at Harvard Graduate School of Education in line with other peers, to boldly came forward to warn the US senate of their president elect’s (unofficial) diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder  (NPD).

But why are narcissists so dangerous and how do we survive them?  The DSM (2013) describes narcissists exhibiting: pervasive displays of grandiosity, a need for admiration, a lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement. Gaslighting is often their “bread and butter” whereby the object of their desire is achieved through the exploitation of others (APA, 2013). When someone controls by mimicking empathy only to use the information to expose the underbelly- they succeed in exploitation.  If their victim is brave enough to object, their cries of outrage are often nullified by the laments of the narcissist’s hurt feelings-tromping on the feelings of the very person they are hurting. Sounds awful, doesn’t it? Then how do we survive?

Boundaries are amongst the hardest things for a narcissist to recognize let alone abide. However, in the mere fact that someone calls out these attacks, they have begun to win.  Admission, accountability and abidance are the three A’s of epitomate difficulty for our narcissist, but what they will learn by setting down ground rules is what you will or will not tolerate.  But that is not the hardest thing to do.  The difficulty in the task, is sticking to your guns when they push the boundaries.  Therefore know your limit, recognize your worth, your mind and your resolve.  

Is there hope?

When we are empathic and strive for peace, we are often a narcissists’ first choice in an easy snack.  Therefore, one of the first things we can learn to recognize is our gut reaction that something is wrong, that we are being treated in a way that feels violating, humiliating and as if the very thing they are refusing to admit that hurts us, is now the thing they are accusing us of. Often when we have a physical sensation that something is unjust these feelings can be accompanied by sadness, disgust and anger.   

Why do people become Narcissists?

While this article is not meant as a diagnostic tool, it is meant to shed light on the nature of this type of personality and validate what it is to be the victim of this behaviour.  While there is a myriad of reasons why this disorder manifests, there are a few markers that we can note.  Often narcissists have struggled with attachment to primary figures (namely parents), there can be difficulty with abuse (in various forms), trauma and the same patterns displayed in a significant role model during their earlier to beginning of adulthood stages. Sometimes understanding why this can evolve can be both helpful to you and the narcissist.  However, getting a narcissist to admit fault is akin to David beating Goliath at times.  

Yet, it is not impossible.  There are various forms of therapy that can help these individuals overcome fear and insecurity causing them to create a reality in which they are infallible.  This defense was initially created in order to avoid a much worse admission often which is magnified and askew from actual reality.  We also need to remind ourselves that narcissists are in great need of love as we all are, however there can be times when a line in the sand needs to be drawn.  When your safety is in danger or the safety of those in your care is in jeopardy- it is time to put yourself first.  Taking space and attending to your needs, self-care and safety are essential in returning the power dynamic to you. 

But what if we must deal with them?  Recognize the level of necessity in this interaction.56yhugnv b If it is in an interpersonal relationship ask yourself if they are willing to put in the work to commit and create change, if this seems like an impossible task then ask yourself at what sacrifice is the relationship to your happiness?  If it is in a relationship of chance or transaction, consider the boundaries and stick to them.  If there does not seem to be recognition or adherence to this commitment, then you again need to ask yourself to what degree is it to your happiness and can alternate arrangements with other people be made? In essence, do you really need the hassle?  

When are narcissists useful?

Like all things in life, there is a yin to every yang.  The essence of the narcissus flower Narcissus Pseudonaricissus is used as an anti-inflammatory, anti-fungal and more specifically- as an anti-staphylococcal (Benedec et al., 2018).