We’ve all experienced moments when life seems to spiral out of our control—whether it's losing a job, going through a breakup, facing illness, or having to make sudden life changes. During these times, it often feels like we have no power over our own lives. With the unpredictability of life, the fear of losing control becomes a natural emotional response. But what can we do when everything seems to fall apart? Psychotherapist Vera Yakupova, in collaboration with the “Vera” hospice care foundation, shares insights on understanding this fear, accepting it, and finding support when plans collapse.

Why We Fear Losing Control

At its core, control provides a sense of security. When we feel in charge, nothing threatens our sense of stability. Control can help us manage our emotional well-being, fend off potential crises, and uphold our self-esteem. A person who feels in control often sees themselves as competent and worthy.

For many, maintaining control is essential; for others, it’s less significant, but everyone, to some extent, fears losing that grip on their life. This fear is especially intense when life’s challenges—like layoffs, divorces, or the death of a loved one—shatter our sense of order and predictability.

The Harmful Effects of the Cult of Control

In today’s world, control is often idolized. The mantra "You can do anything if you try hard enough" is both empowering and misleading. While it’s true that determination and effort can lead to success, this message can also be overwhelming. It implies that if you don’t achieve something, it’s entirely your fault—you didn’t try hard enough, or you didn’t exert enough control.

Modern life demands control in nearly every area: careers, family planning, financial stability, and even health. With so many aspects of life needing constant management, any perceived lack of control—whether due to external events or personal misfortune—feels like failure. When we can’t control everything, it becomes a harsh reminder that we are vulnerable.

Balancing Control and Flexibility: Finding the Line Between Normal and Excessive Control

The key to managing the fear of losing control lies in recognizing where control is beneficial and where it becomes unhealthy. While the idea of controlling everything might seem appealing, the reality is that no one can foresee every event or prevent all misfortunes.

There are natural limits to what we can influence, and ignoring these limitations only leads to burnout. For example, you cannot prevent illness, loss, or unexpected setbacks from entering your life. But acknowledging that life is unpredictable doesn’t mean giving up on making plans or striving for goals. It’s about finding the balance between working towards goals and accepting that some things are beyond our control.

How to Cope with the Loss of Control in Different Life Situations

When Illness Strikes

When faced with illness, feelings of powerlessness are common. People who are used to controlling every aspect of their life can find it challenging to accept a diagnosis or the unpredictability of health. But it’s essential to recognize that illness is often just a part of life. It’s not a punishment or the result of a personal failure. Instead of blaming yourself, focus on the actions within your control: finding a good doctor, following their advice, and managing your treatment.

It’s equally important to allow yourself to experience the emotional side of the illness. Grief and loss—whether of health, independence, or plans—deserve space. Acknowledging these feelings rather than suppressing them will help you process and move forward.

Sudden Life Changes: Divorce, Job Loss, and More

When life throws unexpected changes at us, such as losing a job or experiencing a sudden breakup, it’s normal to feel destabilized. These situations disrupt the plans and goals we’ve spent time building, but they are also part of the natural course of life. Even though they feel like failures or setbacks, these events are temporary, and they don’t define who you are or your future.

In times like these, maintaining rituals or routines can provide a sense of stability. Whether it’s reading your favorite book every night or continuing your exercise routine, holding onto something familiar can be grounding. Allow yourself time to adjust, and don’t feel pressured to have all the answers right away. Recovery and adaptation take time, and it’s okay to take things slowly.

Living in Uncertainty

In a world that seems to change constantly, it can be difficult to find a sense of stability. When everything feels unstable, it’s natural to seek reassurance and control. However, understanding that we can’t control everything helps reduce anxiety. Instead of focusing on what might happen in the future, focus on the present and the things that you can control—such as your thoughts, actions, and emotional responses.

When uncertainty is overwhelming, remember to manage your attention. Instead of imagining every possible negative scenario, focus on small, manageable tasks. Take a break from the news and focus on what’s happening in your immediate environment. This simple shift can help you regain a sense of control over your day-to-day life.

Practical Steps to Cope with Stress and Anxiety

In times of uncertainty and anxiety, it’s essential to take care of both your body and your mind. Mindfulness practices like breathing exercises, yoga, or meditation can help calm your nervous system and center your thoughts. One helpful technique is square breathing: inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold again for four. Doing this for a few minutes can help reduce stress and bring you back into the present moment.

Letting Go of Excessive Control

If you find yourself obsessively trying to control everything, it’s worth reflecting on why you feel the need for such control. Is it about safety, self-worth, or fear of failure? Recognizing the root cause of your need for control can help you address the underlying emotional issue.

In many cases, excessive control stems from a desire to avoid discomfort or fear. Learning to accept that not everything can be managed is key to reducing this pressure. Over time, you’ll find that letting go of control doesn’t lead to chaos—it leads to a more relaxed, adaptive, and flexible approach to life.

Conclusion: Embracing Uncertainty

It’s natural to fear losing control, but the key to managing that fear is to accept that uncertainty is an inherent part of life. By focusing on what you can control, processing your emotions, and learning to adapt to changing circumstances, you can navigate even the toughest situations with resilience and strength.

In times of uncertainty, it’s important to remember that you are not alone—support is available. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional to help you through challenging times. Life is unpredictable, but with the right tools and mindset, you can face it with confidence.