Cheating is commonly understood as a breach of trust in a relationship, but the problem is, many couples don’t explicitly define what “cheating” means to them. Without these clear boundaries, it's easy for misunderstandings to arise, leading to hurt feelings. In collaboration with EFT-psychologist Natalia Litvinova, we explore why people cheat, how to define infidelity in your own relationship, and the importance of having an open conversation with your partner about it.

What Can Be Considered Cheating?

Cheating can look different to different people. For some, it’s all about physical intimacy, while for others, a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship can be just as harmful. In popular culture, infidelity is often portrayed as purely sexual, with examples like The Other Woman or the film Intimacy reinforcing this idea. But in reality, cheating isn't always so clear-cut.

In one relationship, a single sexual encounter at a party may be considered cheating, while in another, only a long-term affair might qualify. Beyond sex, some people consider kissing, hugging, going on secret dates, or even emotionally intimate text messages as forms of cheating. Some might even feel betrayed by something as small as a partner liking someone else’s photo on social media. The truth is, everyone has their own definition, and it’s important to recognize what you personally consider a betrayal.

Why Do People Cheat?

A study conducted in 2019 by American psychologists interviewed 495 people with experience in cheating, and found several key motivations behind infidelity. According to the survey:

• Lack of love: 77% of respondents admitted to cheating because they no longer felt love for their partner.
• Boredom or desire for variety: 74% of people cited boredom in their relationship or an unwillingness to solve ongoing issues as reasons for seeking someone else.
• Neglect: 70% of participants felt unwanted or neglected in their relationship, which led them to look for affection elsewhere.
• Circumstances: Often, external factors such as alcohol played a role, with 70% of respondents saying that intoxication created the conditions for cheating.
• Low self-esteem: Over half of those surveyed admitted that cheating boosted their self-confidence and made them feel more attractive.
• Anger or revenge: 43% said they cheated to punish their partner or take revenge for perceived wrongs.
• Lack of commitment: 41% felt they weren't truly committed to their partner, leading them to cheat without feeling guilt.
• Sexual desire: Although cheating is often linked to sexual attraction, only 32% of respondents admitted to cheating solely for sexual variety.

The reasons behind cheating often correlate with how invested the person was in the relationship. Those who cheated because of anger or lack of love were typically in long-term relationships, while those who cheated due to alcohol or low self-esteem often had shorter relationships.

What Does a Person Gain from Cheating?

Cheating can bring temporary feelings of confidence and significance. If the person was motivated by anger, they might feel that they’ve expressed their resentment or hurt. On the other hand, if they feel remorse for their actions, they may experience shame and guilt afterward.

Some people experience false intimacy when cheating, thinking that their affair partner understands them better or treats them in a more special way than their primary partner does. However, this intimacy is often fleeting and untested by time, responsibility, or real commitment. Over time, the person might realize that they encounter similar difficulties with their affair partner as they did with their primary partner.

In some cases, infidelity can lead to the end of a relationship and the start of a new, healthier one. This happens when someone feels emotionally “burned out” in their current relationship and sees no hope of improvement.

Common Stereotypes About Cheating

There are many misconceptions about cheating that still exist in society:

• If there’s no sex, it doesn’t count: Many people believe that cheating only happens when physical intimacy is involved. But for some, any form of emotional or physical closeness with someone outside the relationship can be considered cheating, whether it's kissing, sexting, or creating a dating app profile.
• Cheating is only done with younger, more attractive people: Some believe that cheating is about sex, and therefore involves more attractive or younger individuals. In reality, the emotional connection shared with the affair partner can be more significant than their appearance.
• Men cheat more than women: While there’s no definitive data, it’s been reported that men were more often the ones seeking therapy for infidelity in the past. Today, however, more women are admitting to cheating, showing that infidelity is not gender-specific.
• Cheating improves relationships: This is a common myth, but the reality is that cheating usually worsens relationships. Instead of solving existing issues, it often leads to an escape from reality, where the person avoids confronting problems with their primary partner.

When to Discuss Cheating Boundaries with Your Partner

The earlier you discuss what constitutes cheating, the better. According to psychologist Natalia Litvinova, it’s crucial to have this conversation before any serious commitment, such as moving in together or getting married. Even if you assume that you and your partner share similar values and views on cheating, it’s important to make sure you’re on the same page.

Without these boundaries being discussed, you might unintentionally hurt your partner. For example, if you view flirting as harmless fun but your partner sees it as betrayal, you could cause significant emotional damage without even realizing it.

How to Have the Conversation About Cheating

1. Define your relationship goals: Start by discussing what kind of relationship you envision. For example, “I want to build a future with you” or “I hope we create a family together.”

2. State your boundaries clearly: Let your partner know what you find unacceptable. For example, “I believe emotional intimacy with someone else is also cheating” or “To me, kissing and sleeping with other people crosses a line.”

3. Outline the consequences: Discuss what would happen if boundaries are crossed. For example, “If you sleep with someone else, I will feel disrespected and hurt, and I will question our relationship.”

4. Ask your partner’s perspective: It’s essential to understand how your partner views cheating and what their boundaries are.

Conclusion

Cheating is a deeply personal issue that varies from couple to couple. Open communication about what constitutes cheating in your relationship is vital for maintaining trust and avoiding misunderstandings. It’s important to discuss your expectations and boundaries with your partner early on to prevent unnecessary hurt. By understanding each other’s views and setting clear guidelines, you can build a stronger and more transparent relationship.