When we hear about women trapped in relationships with tyrants, the image that often comes to mind is one of physical violence—a woman subjected to relentless abuse at the hands of a cruel, dominant man. She is kind, loyal, and caring, while he is a sadistic oppressor. But tyranny in relationships goes far beyond physical abuse, and sometimes the most excruciating wounds are those inflicted on the psyche. Some women even claim they’d rather endure physical violence than the subtle, relentless torment of emotional abuse.

But here’s the question: Are these toxic relationships purely coincidental? Or is there something deeper at play?

Emotional Trauma and the Inability to Feel

Let’s start at the beginning: childhood. Many women who end up in toxic relationships carry unhealed trauma from their early years. This trauma often stems from living with a parent who was a source of fear, instability, or betrayal. When a child grows up in such an environment, their mind develops defense mechanisms to cope. One of the most common is emotional numbing—a psychological process where emotions are “frozen” to shield the child from the pain of betrayal or neglect.

In adulthood, this numbing effect often translates into a detachment from one’s own feelings. A woman who grew up in such an environment might struggle to recognize her emotional needs or spot red flags in relationships. Subconsciously, she repeats the toxic patterns she observed as a child, transferring the dynamic she had with her parent onto her partner. She may not even realize she’s in a harmful situation until years have passed.

Why does this happen? It’s not stupidity or weakness—it’s conditioning. When emotions are numbed, the person relies on external cues rather than internal instincts to navigate relationships. This delay in recognizing abuse means that even after experiencing obvious signs of disrespect or control, she may rationalize the situation and remain in the relationship. For some, even physical violence doesn’t trigger an immediate reaction.

The “Suitcase” Approach to Finding a Partner

Now let’s look at another layer of the issue. Girls who experience betrayal, neglect, or abuse in childhood often develop an interesting strategy for choosing partners. Rather than actively seeking a healthy, loving connection, they adopt what we’ll call the “suitcase” method. They metaphorically pack up their emotional baggage and wait for someone to carry it for them.

Here’s how it works: A girl who has experienced trauma knows what she doesn’t want—someone who will abandon, betray, or harm her. She believes she’s avoiding these traits by creating impossibly high standards for potential partners. But in reality, these standards aren’t a safeguard; they’re an emotional wall. She won’t let anyone in until they’ve proven, beyond any doubt, that they’re loyal, devoted, and willing to go to extreme lengths for her. She’s waiting for a savior, but she doesn’t realize that saviors often come with strings attached.

Healthy men, sensing her emotional distance, often back away. Her inability to show vulnerability or reciprocate emotions makes her seem cold and indifferent. And so, the cycle continues: She waits, evaluates, and eventually ends up with a partner who is either controlling or emotionally unstable—someone willing to jump through hoops to “prove” themselves but who ultimately sees the relationship as a conquest.

Why Tyrants Answer the Call

Here’s the psychological twist: men with abusive tendencies are often drawn to emotionally unavailable women. These men thrive on the chase—the opportunity to prove their worth by overcoming obstacles. They’ll shower her with attention, ignore her emotional coldness, and persist through her rejections.

But once the relationship is established, the dynamic shifts. The abuser believes he has “earned” the woman, and now she belongs to him. His initial persistence turns into possessiveness. He begins to control her—dictating how she dresses, who she sees, and where she goes. And the woman, who spent so much time testing his loyalty, now finds herself trapped in a dynamic she unknowingly helped create.

It’s a cruel irony. The very traits that made him seem “safe”—his devotion, persistence, and willingness to prove himself—are the same traits that make him dangerous once the relationship shifts into tyranny.

The Endless Cycle of Abuse

What’s truly heartbreaking is how often this cycle repeats. Women who leave abusive relationships often carry their trauma into the next one. They become temporarily hardened, mistrusting all men and projecting their pain onto potential partners. This phase is marked by devaluation and manipulation—tactics they once endured but now wield as a form of self-protection.

Eventually, though, they fall back into the same patterns. Without addressing the root of their trauma, they unconsciously gravitate toward the same toxic dynamics, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

The truth is, breaking free from this pattern requires more than just leaving the relationship. It demands introspection, healing, and often professional help. Counseling can help women identify the unhealed wounds driving their choices and learn how to build healthier, more balanced relationships.

Final Thoughts: Healing the Cycle

Toxic relationships aren’t random accidents. They’re often the result of deep-seated emotional wounds and unhealed childhood trauma. Recognizing the root causes of these patterns is the first step toward breaking free.

For those trapped in these cycles, the solution lies not in finding the “perfect” partner but in healing the parts of themselves that are drawn to toxic dynamics. Therapy, self-awareness, and emotional growth are the keys to breaking the cycle and building a healthier future.

Remember: Healing is possible, but it takes courage and commitment to look inward and address the pain you’ve carried for so long.