The Role of Partner Participation in Family Therapy
As a family therapist, I often encounter clients who seek help for their marital or relationship problems. The outcome of family therapy depends on many factors, but one of the most important ones is the motivation of the partners. In my experience, there are two main scenarios for seeking family therapy:
- When only one of the partners comes to therapy. This happens when one of the partners feels unhappy or dissatisfied with the relationship and wants to understand and change the situation. The other partner, however, does not see any problem or does not want to admit any responsibility for it. He or she thinks that the fault lies entirely with the partner who comes to therapy.
- When both partners come to therapy. This happens when both partners recognize that they have some issues in their relationship and are willing to work on them together. They both accept that they have some role in creating and maintaining the problems and are open to exploring and changing their patterns of interaction.
In this case, the prognosis of family therapy is uncertain. A family is a system, and when one part of the system changes, the rest of the system has to adjust. Therefore, by working with one partner, I can indirectly influence the whole family. Sometimes, the partner who does not come to therapy notices the changes in the partner who does and decides to join the therapy or make some changes on his or her own. This can lead to a more balanced, harmonious, and satisfying relationship. However, sometimes the partner who does not come to therapy resists the changes and refuses to cooperate. This can result in a breakdown of the relationship and a divorce.
It is hard to predict how the partner who does not come to therapy will react. It depends on many factors, such as the level and quality of attachment, the importance and value of the relationship, and the fear of losing the partner.
In this case, the chances of successful family therapy are higher. By coming to therapy together, the partners show that they care about each other and the relationship. They are more likely to listen to each other, understand each other, and support each other. They are also more likely to find common ground and compromise on their differences.
However, even in this case, there is no guarantee that the family will stay together. Sometimes, during the therapy process, the partners may discover that they have incompatible views, values, or goals in life. They may realize that they are better off apart than together. In this case, the best outcome may be a respectful and amicable separation.
As a family therapist, my goal is not to save the family at any cost. My goal is to help the partners find out what they want and need from the relationship and from themselves. My goal is to help them communicate, understand, and change. My goal is to help them answer the question: “Can these people be together and be happy?”
And even in this situation, I cannot say for sure that “family therapy means divorce” or “family therapy means reconciliation”. I can only say that family therapy means exploration, understanding, and change.