The Child They Were, and the Parent They Still Need

By Dr. Sameer Adtani
Behavioral Science | CBT | Organizational Psychology | Mental Wellness x AI

There is something I have noticed over the years, both personally and through my work in Behavioral Science and CBT.

We often spend so much time trying to prepare children for the future that we forget to let them enjoy the present.

We worry about their marks, their school, their behaviour, their career, their competition and whether they are “doing enough.”

But sometimes, a child simply wants to play.

• To run around.
• To ask the same question ten times.
• To laugh at something completely silly.
• To sit beside their parents and tell a story that makes absolutely no sense.

And these moments may look small to us.

They are not small to a child.

THE FOUNDATION OF EMOTIONAL LEARNING

From a behavioural perspective, children learn through repetition, observation and emotional experiences. The way we respond to them repeatedly becomes part of how they begin to understand themselves and the world around them.

If a child repeatedly experiences, “I can talk to my parents when I am scared,” they learn that seeking support is safe.

If they repeatedly hear, “You made a mistake, but we can figure it out,” they begin to understand that mistakes are not the same as failure.

If they experience affection only when they achieve something, they may slowly begin to connect their worth with achievement.

And this is where I believe parenting becomes much deeper than discipline.

It becomes emotional learning.

HOW THOUGHTS BECOME BELIEFS

CBT often teaches us to look at the connection between thoughts, emotions and behaviours.

For a child, these patterns are developing every day.

A simple experience can become a thought.

A repeated thought can become a belief.

And a repeated belief can eventually influence how that child sees themselves.

“I am not good enough.”

“I disappoint people.”

“I have to be perfect.”

“I cannot make mistakes.”

Or, with a different kind of environment:

“I can learn.”

“I can make mistakes and still be loved.”

“I can ask for help.”

“I have value even when I don’t succeed.”

Parents don’t have to be psychologists to create healthier emotional patterns.

They simply need to be present, consistent and willing to listen.

PARENTING CHANGES, BUT DOES NOT END

And there is another thing I feel we sometimes misunderstand.

Parenting doesn’t end when childhood ends.

The way it changes is what matters.

• A five-year-old may need your hand.
• A teenager may need your patience.
• A young adult may need your perspective.

And an adult child may sometimes need nothing more than a conversation with the person who knew them before the world knew them.

Supporting your children forever does not mean controlling their lives forever.

It means becoming a safe place without becoming a cage.

It means allowing independence without withdrawing love.

It means being able to say:

“You don’t have to live the life I imagined for you. But whenever you need me, I am here.”

WHAT CHILDREN ACTUALLY REMEMBER

I think this is something many people miss.

Children eventually forget many of the things we bought for them.

They may forget what their room looked like.

They may even forget some of the holidays.

But they often remember how they felt around the people who raised them.

• Did they feel heard?
• Did they feel safe?
• Could they make mistakes?
• Could they come home after getting something wrong?
• Could they talk without immediately being judged?
• Could they be silly?
• Could they simply be themselves?

RESILIENCE AND BOUNDARIES

As parents, we cannot remove every difficulty from our children’s lives.

And we shouldn’t try to.

Resilience is also developed through experiencing manageable challenges, learning from mistakes and discovering that difficult emotions can be tolerated.

Our role is not to make life painless.

Our role is to help them know that difficult moments can be faced.

So let children play.

Let them get messy.

Let them ask questions.

Let them be curious.

Give them boundaries, but also give them room.

Correct their behaviour without attacking their identity.

Say, “That behaviour was not okay,” rather than, “You are a bad child.”

There is a big psychological difference between correcting behaviour and defining a child by that behaviour.

PRESENCE OVER PRESENTS

And perhaps most importantly, give them your presence.

Not just presents.

Put the phone away sometimes.

Sit with them.

Listen to their strange stories.

Ask them what they are thinking.

Laugh with them.

And when they grow older, keep asking.

Because the child may grow up, but the need to feel loved, respected and understood doesn’t simply disappear.

WHERE MENTAL WELLNESS BEGINS

I have always believed that mental wellness begins much earlier than the moment someone enters a therapist’s room.

It begins in relationships.

It begins in how we learn to understand emotions.

It begins in whether we are allowed to make mistakes.

It begins in whether someone listened when we said, “I’m scared.”

And sometimes, it begins with something as simple as a parent sitting on the floor and playing with their child.

Childhood is short.

Parenting is not.

We may eventually stop holding their hands.

But we never really stop being their parents.

THE QUESTION FOR TODAY

So perhaps the question is not only:

“What kind of future are we preparing our children for?”

Maybe we should also ask:

“What kind of childhood are we giving them today?”

Because one day, that childhood will become their memory.

And hopefully, when they look back, they won’t remember a perfect childhood.

They will remember a childhood where they felt loved.

Where they were allowed to be children.

Where home felt safe.

And where, even after growing up, they always knew:

“I can still go home.”