Wanting to tell your parents that you have been hurting yourself can be absolutely terrifying. You may deeply want help and, at the exact same time, be afraid of what will happen the moment they know.

Will they panic? Get angry? Blame you? Cry? Take you straight to a hospital? Or simply tell you that you are overreacting?

There is no way to predict a parent's response with absolute certainty. But if the thought of telling someone has already appeared, that genuinely matters. It likely means that a part of you recognizes that carrying this heavy burden alone has become far too difficult to manage.

Self-harm is not something to be ashamed of, but it is something that deserves careful attention and care. In the field of psychology, particularly in the United States, intentional self-injury without suicidal intent is clinically described as nonsuicidal self-injury, or NSSI. It often develops as a way of dealing with intense emotional pain, overwhelming anger, profound numbness, severe anxiety, deep loneliness, or complex feelings that seem completely impossible to express in words.

That does not make the underlying emotional pain any less serious or real.

Before You Tell Them, Think About What You Need

One specific question can make the upcoming conversation a little easier to navigate: What do I want from my parents after I tell them?

• Maybe you want them to simply listen without judgment.
• Maybe you want their help finding a qualified therapist.
• Maybe you want to schedule an appointment to talk with your pediatrician or another mental health professional.
• Or perhaps you simply want someone in your family to finally understand exactly how bad things have felt for you.

It significantly helps to think about your own needs beforehand because parents may not react the way you imagine or hope.

You might hope they will immediately become calm, gentle, and highly supportive. While that certainly can happen, their first reaction may also be rooted in shock, intense fear, deep confusion, or sudden anger.

Clinical research involving the parents of young people who self-harm has consistently found that shock, disbelief, fear, guilt, and anger frequently appear when parents first discover what has been happening behind closed doors.

A difficult first reaction does not necessarily predict what their long-term response will be tomorrow or next week.

What If They Get Angry?

Anger can be one of the absolute hardest reactions to face when you are already feeling vulnerable.

A parent might defensively say, "How could you do this to yourself?" They may unexpectedly raise their voice, demand immediate explanations, or begin aggressively blaming themselves or even you.

Sometimes what sounds like anger is actually deeply intertwined with fear. A parent has suddenly learned that their child has been suffering in a way they completely missed or did not understand, and they may have absolutely no idea what to do with that startling information.

You do not have to defend every single feeling or explain everything immediately.

The most important thing is to communicate the main message clearly and firmly:

• "I’ve been hurting myself when I feel overwhelmed."
• "I don’t want to keep dealing with this alone anymore."
• "I need professional help."

Your parents may realistically need time and space to process the heavy information they have just heard. Their first emotional response does not have to become the end of the conversation.

What If They Panic?

Another very real possibility is intense fear and panic.

Some teens choose to stay silent because they constantly worry that their mother or father will cry uncontrollably, completely panic, become physically ill from stress, or automatically assume that the worst possible outcome is about to happen.

If you genuinely feel that telling a parent alone would be far too difficult or unsafe, you do not have to begin with them.

You might consider first speaking with a school counselor, a school psychologist, your pediatrician, a therapist, another trusted relative, or a favorite teacher. That trusted adult may be able to help you strategically decide how to safely approach your parents and may even offer to help you facilitate the conversation.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) specifically encourages teens who are struggling with self-harm or other serious emotional difficulties to reach out and talk with a parent, school counselor, or health care provider.

Having another supportive adult involved can make an incredibly frightening conversation feel much more manageable and safe.

What If They Don’t Take It Seriously?

Sometimes the most painful reaction is not panic or anger, but rather total dismissal and invalidation.

• "You’re just looking for attention."
• "You have too much free time on your hands."
• "Just stop thinking about it."
• "Put your phone away and do something useful."

Comments exactly like these can hurt deeply, especially after it took enormous courage to finally speak up.

If your parents minimize or dismiss what is happening, that absolutely does not mean your distress is unimportant or fake.

It simply means you may need to take another route to secure the help you deserve.

A school counselor, pediatrician, family doctor, licensed mental health professional, or another trusted adult can step in to help you take the next necessary step. Psychological research has found that adolescents often hesitate to disclose self-injurious thoughts and behaviors precisely because they are terrified of how adults will respond.

One person's dismissive or ignorant response should never be the deciding factor in whether or not you receive crucial professional support.

You Don’t Have to Begin With the Scars

There is another, potentially gentler way to start this daunting conversation.

Instead of aggressively opening with the most frightening sentence you can possibly imagine, begin by sharing what has been happening inside your mind and heart.

You might say:

• "I’ve been feeling really, really alone lately."
• "School has become completely overwhelming for me."
• "I feel like I just can’t handle everything on my plate anymore."
• "I don’t feel like I have anyone I can honestly talk to."
• "I’m having intense thoughts and feelings that truly scare me."

You can also ask your parents about their own teenage years:

• "Did you ever feel like you didn’t fit in when you were my age?"
• "What did you honestly do when school became completely overwhelming?"
• "Were there times when you felt completely isolated and alone?"

This approach can slowly create a safer opening for a much deeper conversation.

Eventually, however, it is critically important to be clear enough that they fully understand the seriousness of what is happening to you.

You might then boldly say:

• "I haven’t known how to properly deal with these heavy feelings, and sometimes I hurt myself just to cope with them. I want help figuring out why this is happening and how to successfully stop."

You absolutely do not need to have a perfect explanation ready. You may not even fully understand exactly why you do it yet.

That lack of full understanding is precisely one of the main reasons professional psychological support can be so incredibly useful.

Getting Help Does Not Automatically Mean Hospitalization

Some teens desperately avoid speaking up because they imagine that the second anyone hears the specific words "self-harm," everything will immediately be taken out of their control and they will be locked away.

That is simply not how every situation is clinically handled.

A trained mental health professional will usually want to conduct an assessment to understand exactly what has been happening, how often it happens, what specific emotions or events trigger it, whether there are any active suicidal thoughts, and how physically safe the person is right now. The next recommended step depends entirely on that comprehensive assessment.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry firmly recommends professional evaluation to help properly identify and safely treat the underlying emotional causes of self-injury.

The ultimate purpose of a professional asking these questions is not to punish someone for bravely telling the truth. It is strictly to understand the current level of risk and determine exactly what kind of outpatient or inpatient support is most appropriate and needed.

The Most Important Part Is Not Staying Alone With It

There may never, ever be a "perfect" or completely comfortable moment to tell your parents.

You may still be incredibly nervous. Your voice may shake uncontrollably. You may cry. You may prefer to write the terrifying words in a letter or text message instead of saying them out loud. You may actively need another trusted adult sitting right beside you for moral support.

Absolutely none of that makes the conversation any less meaningful or brave.

You also do not need to fully understand every single underlying reason behind your self-harm before reaching out and asking for help. Sometimes those painful reasons are deeply tangled together: profound loneliness, immense academic or social pressure, family conflict, harsh self-criticism, fear of rejection, severe anxiety, suffocating sadness, unspoken anger, or simply a desperate, urgent need to make overwhelming feelings stop for just a moment.

Understanding that complex emotional pattern can come later during therapy.

Speaking about it out loud is often the very first place where real healing and help begins.

Emergency Resources: If self-harm is ever accompanied by thoughts of dying, suicide, or an immediate inability to stay physically safe, this is no longer a conversation that should be postponed for even a minute. In the United States, please call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or seek immediate emergency medical assistance.

References

• American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. (2019). Self-Injury in Adolescents. Facts for Families, No. 73. AACAP describes self-injury in adolescents, discusses emotional factors that may contribute to it, and recommends evaluation by a mental health professional to identify underlying causes. It also emphasizes immediate professional attention when suicidal thoughts are present. This is an online clinical information resource, so there are no page numbers.
• Bettis, A. H., Burke, T. A., Scott, S. R., Bedock, C., Ambriano, C., Parrish, J., Marsh, D., & Fox, K. R. (2024). Disclosures of self-injurious thoughts and behaviors to parents in the context of adolescent therapy: A qualitative investigation. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 80(3), 537–558. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.23633. The study examined responses from 1,495 adolescents and describes different ways parents reacted after learning about self-injurious thoughts or behaviors, including emotional, validating, invalidating, and treatment-oriented responses. Pages: 537–558.
• Fox, K. R., Bettis, A. H., Burke, T. A., Hart, E. A., & Wang, S. B. (2022). Exploring adolescent experiences with disclosing self-injurious thoughts and behaviors across settings. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, 50(5), 669–681. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-021-00878-x. This research examined how adolescents disclose self-injury and suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Fear that parents or guardians would be informed was one of the important barriers to disclosure, supporting the article's discussion of why teenagers may hesitate to ask adults for help. Pages: 669–681.
• Kelada, L., Hasking, P., & Melvin, G. (2016). The relationship between nonsuicidal self-injury and family functioning: Adolescent and parent perspectives. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(3), 536–549. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12150. This study examined adolescent and parent perspectives on family functioning and self-injury. Importantly, help-seeking was more likely when parents were aware of the adolescent's self-injury, supporting the value of bringing trusted adults into the situation. Pages: 536–549.
• Ferrey, A. E., Hughes, N. D., Simkin, S., Locock, L., Stewart, A., Kapur, N., Gunnell, D., & Hawton, K. (2016). The impact of self-harm by young people on parents and families: A qualitative study. BMJ Open, 6(1), e009631. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2015-009631. Interviews with parents showed that discovering a young person's self-harm can initially produce shock, anger, disbelief, fear, guilt, and anxiety. The findings help explain why a parent's first reaction may be intense even when they ultimately want to support their child. The journal uses the article number e009631 rather than a conventional page range.
• National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Child and Adolescent Mental Health. National Institutes of Health. Last reviewed March 2024. NIMH identifies self-harm as a reason a young person may benefit from professional evaluation and advises children and teens to speak with a parent, school counselor, or health care provider. It also provides U.S. crisis guidance through the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. This is an online federal health resource and has no page numbers.