Similarity and Difference: The Two Sides of a Healthy Relationship
One thing that might seem obvious, but is often overlooked, is that we are all similar in some ways, but different in others. This fact could be a source of harmony and happiness, if we accept it and appreciate it. But sometimes, we ignore it or resist it, and that leads to conflict and dissatisfaction. This is because the problem is not the fact itself, but how we relate to it.
When two people interact, they can have possible attitudes towards their similarities and differences.
- “You and I are so similar, and that’s good for me.” This attitude reflects a sense of connection and compatibility. You share my beliefs and values, you understand me, and I don’t need to explain everything to you. I can relax and feel safe next to you.
- “You and I are so similar, and it makes me bored.” This attitude reflects a sense of monotony and stagnation. You and I are like clones who do the same thing every day. We think the same and act the same. I know you inside out, and I can anticipate your every next move, because I would do the same. This makes me want to yawn.
- “You and I are different, and that makes me feel bad.” This attitude reflects a sense of discomfort and rejection. You are too fast, slow, black, yellow, white, hot, cold, emotional, rational, changeable, stable, you love football, you love shopping - pick whatever applies. It’s unpleasant, scary, embarrassing, disgusting or infuriating. Your otherness is too much, ugly, unacceptable or intolerable for me.
- “You and I are different, and that’s fascinating to me.” This attitude reflects a sense of wonder and admiration. You are awesome! I want you to invite me to your adventure and show me your amazing skills. Teach me how you can solve impossible problems and create incredible things. And then I will also share with you my passion and vision.
Every person has both similarities and differences with others. The quality of the relationship depends on how well they can balance and embrace both aspects. Relationships that are based on similarities only or that reject differences are likely to be unhealthy and unhappy. Relationships that can appreciate similarities and be interested in differences are likely to be healthy and happy.
As a couple therapist, I would advise you to:
- Recognize and acknowledge the similarities and differences between you and your partner. Don’t ignore or deny them, but don’t exaggerate or judge them either.
- Respect and appreciate the similarities and differences between you and your partner. Don’t take them for granted or try to change them, but don’t idealize or fetishize them either.
- Communicate and negotiate the similarities and differences between you and your partner. Don’t assume or impose them, but don’t avoid or hide them either.
- Celebrate and enjoy the similarities and differences between you and your partner. Don’t neglect or exploit them, but don’t obsess or compete over them either.