Couple Therapy vs Individual Therapy: Which One Is Better for Your Relationship?
As a couples therapist, I have seen many couples who struggle with their relationship and wonder if there is any hope for them. They often come to me after trying individual therapy, but they find that it does not address the core issues that are affecting their bond. In this article, I will explain why couples therapy is more effective than individual therapy for restoring and clarifying relationships, and how it can help you and your partner overcome your challenges and reconnect with each other.
Individual therapy focuses on the personal issues of each client, such as their past experiences, their emotions, their beliefs, and their goals. It can help clients gain insight into themselves, cope with stress, and heal from trauma. However, it does not address the dynamics of the relationship, the patterns of communication, the expectations, and the needs of both partners. It may even create more distance and misunderstanding between them, as they may feel that their partner does not understand or support them.
Couple therapy, on the other hand, focuses on the interaction between the partners, the quality of their bond, and the way they deal with conflicts. It helps them answer questions such as: What is going on between us? Why are we stuck in this cycle? How can we reconnect and rebuild trust? It does not look for a culprit or a victim, but rather for a solution that works for both. It helps them remember the positive aspects of their relationship, the reasons why they fell in love, and the goals they share. It helps them see each other as allies, not enemies, and as human beings, not monsters.
Couple therapy is not easy, though. It requires a skilled and experienced therapist who can handle the complexity and intensity of working with two clients who may have different perspectives, feelings, and agendas. As Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, metaphorically described, individual therapy is like “two friends walking in the park”, family therapy is like a “dinner party”, but couple therapy is like “two angry trains coming at you from opposite directions”. Not all therapists can stop the trains, so they may suggest switching to individual therapy, where they can establish a therapeutic alliance more quickly and comfortably.
However, couple therapy has a unique advantage over individual therapy: it allows the partners to witness and participate in each other’s change process. It reduces the gap of understanding and empathy between them, as they can observe and ask how the other is feeling and thinking in the moment. They can discover that the other is not as cold, selfish, or hostile as they assumed, but rather vulnerable, caring, and hurt. They can also express their own feelings and needs more clearly and authentically, without fear of rejection or criticism.
A competent couple therapist will create a safe space for both partners, where they can feel heard, respected, and valued. The therapist will not take sides, but rather view the couple as a whole, where both parts are equally important and deserving of compassion. The therapist will not impose a solution, but rather facilitate a dialogue that leads to mutual understanding and agreement. The therapist will not judge, but rather support the couple in finding their own way to heal, grow, and thrive together. Because, after all, they are the ones who know each other best, and who love each other most.