From "Must" to "Want": The Simple Switch That Changes Everything

He was a good man who did what he was told. His wife later reminded him of the five ways he had been wrong: you must act like normal people, you must go to the sea, you must work less. Years flew by. He found himself exhausted, depleted, and carrying a profound sadness. Then, a shocking realization struck him with the force of a physical blow, leading to a difficult decision.

I'm not living my own life. That was the shock.
I'm going to do what I want. That was the decision.

This story, or something very much like it, is based on real events. It’s the story of waking up inside a life that feels like it belongs to someone else.

Chapter One: The Tyranny of "Must"

When you frame a task with the word "must," you're often forcing yourself to do something you don’t truly want to do. Sometimes, this is unavoidable and necessary—cleaning the house or visiting the dentist are rarely acts of passion. But it's not always about unpleasant chores.

More often, these "musts" are needs imposed on you by others: well-meaning parents, your social circle, the media, or clever marketers. Some of these attitudes are relics of a bygone era, a time when life was planned for you from kindergarten to the sanatorium. The collective good was paramount, and few stopped to ask, "But what do I actually want?"

To find our own path, we have to sift through these inherited beliefs and identify the destructive attitudes that hold us back.

• Attitude 1: Self-Deprecation
  “Don’t be clever. Don’t stand out. Know your place.”
  This mindset is rooted in comparison. But comparing yourself to others is a rigged game that breeds only envy, anxiety, and anger. The only healthy comparison is with the person you were yesterday. Don't be afraid to show your true self; don't hide your ideas and talents.
• Attitude 2: Hopelessness
  “You won’t change anything. It’s not up to us. Where you were born is where you belong.”
  This is the voice of learned helplessness, a state of apathy and powerlessness that convinces you your efforts are futile. The only way to combat it is to start fighting back. Change one small thing in your life. Achieve a small victory, then a slightly bigger one. Soon, you’ll see that you have more power than you believed.
• Attitude 3: Suppressing Emotions
  “What are you, a girl? Keep your emotions to yourself. Men don’t cry.”
  Emotions, even negative ones, arise for a reason. They are signals that need to be acknowledged and processed. Suppressing them is a recipe for disaster, leading to a life where you are born, you suffer, and you die of a heart attack at 67. At the very least, talk to a trusted friend. It will be easier.
• Attitude 4: Imposing Your Model on Others
  “Your mother knows better. While you are in my house, you will do as I say.”
  Parents, often with the best intentions, can fail to understand that every individual has their own unique path. You are different, and that is not just normal; it is necessary. We are not suggesting you fight with your family, but you must learn to stand up for your own right to choose.
• Attitude 5: Stupid Gender Stereotypes
  “You can’t fix a socket? What kind of man are you?”
  These outdated ideas are everywhere, boxing us into ridiculous roles. The only defense is to refuse to play along. Don't feel pressured to buy a car you don't need just because it's what's expected of a "man."
• Attitude 6: The Cult of Prestige
  “You need to get a gold medal. You need a prestigious position.”
  This is the trap of living for appearances. It forces you to tolerate a job you hate, a toxic boss, and a low salary, all for the sake of a "respectable" title on a business card. The only way out of this mess is to finally listen to what you truly desire.

Chapter Two: The Power of "Want"

So, how do you distinguish between what someone else needs from you and what you truly want for yourself? You have to become the subject of your own life—the one who thinks, feels, and acts, not the one who is acted upon.

It’s difficult, but a simple exercise can bring clarity. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns.

1. In the left column, write down everything you believe you "must" do.
2. In the middle column, write down who needs it done (your boss, your wife, your parents, society).
3. In the right column, write down what you truly "want" for yourself.

Suddenly, the source of your obligations becomes clear, and you can decide what to do next.

Option 1: The Simple Switch
Sometimes, your "musts" and "wants" align. You just need to reframe them. Instead of "I must go to the gym," try "I want to go to the gym to get in shape and feel good." Adding "want" injects genuine motivation into the task.

Option 2: Finding the Deeper "Want"
Other times, you genuinely owe something to someone—a project for your boss, that vacation to the Maldives for your wife. The trick here is to find your motivation. Why must you do this? Perhaps you must buy the trip because you want to be a good father and husband. You must complete the project because you want the bonus that comes with it.

And if you look for the "want" and find nothing? If you realize the round-the-clock work for a small bonus isn’t worth it? Then maybe it's time to quit. Sometimes, that's the most powerful "want" of all.

Imagine the trailer for a movie about your life. One trailer shows your life as it is now. The other shows the life you want to live.

Trailer one: He’s getting fatter faster than he’s earning money. He took out a loan for a new kitchen his wife is tiling herself. Soon, his life will change… he starts going bald. It’s a bleak picture.

But it could be different.

Trailer two: Coming soon to all screens. Handsome, successful, sexy. An apartment bought with cash. A business card people notice. He does whatever he wants.

That second trailer is cool. It's something worth striving for.

If you live your life exclusively by "must," you're just writing a rough draft. The problem is, there's no second chance to rewrite it. Ultimately, you are the master of your life. The only question is whether you choose to be.

References

• Seligman, M. E. P. (1998). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life.
  This book explores the concept of "learned helplessness," a psychological state where a person feels powerless to change their negative circumstances. Seligman provides practical techniques to challenge pessimistic thought patterns and develop a more optimistic outlook, directly addressing the "hopelessness" attitude discussed in the article. He argues that by changing our explanatory style—how we explain events to ourselves—we can move from a passive to an active role in our own lives.
• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "What" and "Why" of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
  This foundational text on Self-Determination Theory directly supports the article's core theme of "must" versus "want." The authors distinguish between extrinsic motivation (doing something for an external reward or to avoid punishment, the "must") and intrinsic motivation (doing something for the inherent satisfaction and enjoyment, the "want"). The theory posits that psychological well-being depends on satisfying three innate needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness, which is achieved by pursuing authentic, self-endorsed goals.
• Frankl, V. E. (1959). Man's Search for Meaning.
  Frankl's powerful work, stemming from his experiences in concentration camps, argues that the primary human drive is not pleasure but the pursuit of what we find meaningful. This resonates deeply with the article's call to uncover what one "wants" for oneself beyond societal pressures and superficial goals. Frankl's logotherapy is based on the idea that even in the most difficult circumstances, we have the freedom to choose our attitude and find a purpose to live for, which is the ultimate answer to the question, "What do I truly want?"