What Psychology Reveals About Finding a Love That Truly Fulfills You

Unrequited feelings, painful breakups, shattering betrayal—heartbreak is a universal human experience. In its wake, it can feel like mending a broken heart is an impossible task, and the thought of building a new relationship seems pointless. We often ask ourselves, "Why am I so unlucky in love?" The answers may lie deeper than we think, hidden in the patterns we repeat and the needs we try to fulfill. Let's explore the psychological underpinnings of our romantic failures and what we can do to change the narrative.

The Hunger for Wholeness

Love is a complex and powerful force. Some view it as a cascade of chemical reactions, while others might even call it a kind of madness. In psychology, love is often understood as a profound attachment and devotion to another person. The renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow placed this need for love and belonging squarely in his famous hierarchy of needs. Once our fundamental physiological needs (like food, water, and sleep) and our need for safety and security are met, we begin to crave social connection. This includes friendship, family, and, of course, love.

However, Maslow was careful to distinguish between two very different kinds of love: Deficiency-love (or D-love) and Being-love (B-love).

• Deficiency-love is what many of us mistake for the real thing. It stems from a feeling of inner lack, a void that we believe another person can fill. This is the love of two "halves" trying to make a whole. In this dynamic, we seek a partner to get something from them—be it validation, security, care, or even financial stability. We look to them to satisfy a need we can't meet on our own. This kind of love is often immature and can be destructive. To become the missing piece for our partner, we might change who we are—our style, our hobbies, our very personality—chipping away at our own identity until we are no longer ourselves.
• Being-love, on the other hand, is a mature, harmonious connection. It is the love between two people who are already whole and self-sufficient. This love doesn't seek to change the other person or demand anything from them. It simply appreciates their existence—loving them for who they are, not for what they can provide. In this kind of relationship, partners are not dependent on each other; they are two complete individuals who choose to be together because they are better for it.

Wanting love is natural. But desperately needing it to feel complete is often the very thing that pushes it away. True partnership requires independence first.

Relationships Born from Fear

Sometimes, our quest for love is driven by deep-seated fears we are not even conscious of. Existential psychotherapy, a field that helps people grapple with the fundamental questions of life, sheds light on this. According to psychiatrist Irvin D. Yalom, four core existential concerns shape our behavior, and each can create a profound anxiety that pushes us toward relationships:

• Fear of Death: This can manifest as a desire to create a legacy, to feel as if we live on through our children and continue our family line.
• Fear of Meaninglessness: We may seek to create meaning in our lives by dedicating ourselves to a family and caring for others, making the relationship the center of our world's purpose.
• Fear of Freedom: This may seem counterintuitive, but the limitless choices of absolute freedom can be terrifying. We might seek the structure and commitment of marriage to feel grounded and provide our lives with boundaries.
• Fear of Isolation: Perhaps most powerfully, the fear of isolation drives us to merge with another person. The feeling of being truly alone in the universe can be so overwhelming that we rush into relationships to escape it.

But a partnership founded solely on the fear of being by yourself is built on a fragile foundation. It's those who are not afraid to be alone with themselves—who can find contentment in their own company—that are truly ready to become exceptional partners.

The Unseen Roles We Play

When relationships are unhealthy, they often fall into predictable, toxic patterns. The theory of codependency helps us understand these dynamics. One of the most famous models is the Karpman Drama Triangle, which describes three destructive roles that people in dysfunctional relationships play:

• The Rescuer: This person feels compelled to "save" others. They are drawn to partners who are in difficult situations, as it allows them to play the hero. This isn't about genuine altruism; it's about fulfilling their own need to feel needed and important. They often help even when not asked, creating a cycle of dependency.
• The Persecutor (or Aggressor): This individual needs to be in control. They blame, criticize, and dictate how others should live. They believe they know best and seek out partners they can dominate.
• The Victim: This person sees themselves as helpless and powerless. They avoid responsibility and rely on others to make decisions and solve their problems.

People trapped in this triangle often switch roles, but they typically have a dominant one learned from their upbringing. A Persecutor needs a Victim to control; a Victim needs a Rescuer to save them. The roles are codependent, which is why breaking free from these relationships is so difficult. The partners, in a dysfunctional way, fulfill each other's needs.

Breaking Free from Family Scripts

Have you ever caught yourself acting just like your mother? Or has someone told you that your reaction to stress is identical to your father's? This phenomenon is explained by the concept of parental scripts in Transactional Analysis. From a young age, we unconsciously absorb our parents' strategies for life, from their daily habits to the way they handle relationships.

This is why we see patterns repeat across generations. A child who grew up in a loving, respectful home is more likely to create a similar environment in their own marriage. Conversely, someone who witnessed dysfunction—perhaps growing up with an alcoholic parent or experiencing abuse—may unconsciously find themselves drawn to similar dynamics in their adult relationships, taking on the familiar role of Victim or perhaps a detached observer.

Of course, a difficult childhood doesn't doom you. Many people actively try to build a life completely different from their parents'. Yet, even in rewriting the script, we are still reacting to that original family experience. The key to creating your own authentic life and relationship script is to achieve true psychological separation from your parents, freeing yourself from their influence and expectations.

The Destructive Power of Beliefs

Our thoughts powerfully shape our reality. The cognitive-behavioral approach in psychology shows us how our core beliefs, or attitudes, dictate our behavior. If a person holds the deep-seated belief that "love always ends in pain," they will unconsciously seek out partners and situations that confirm this belief. They will misinterpret neutral actions as signs of impending doom and focus on any minor failure while ignoring all successes. Success is dismissed because it doesn't fit the negative story they've told themselves.

These destructive beliefs don't appear out of thin air. We often absorb them from our environment—the voice of a critical parent, a teacher, or a past partner. It's crucial to identify the source of these thoughts and recognize them for what they are: irrational, unhelpful narratives that have nothing to do with objective truth.

Equally destructive is the fairytale dream of a "soul mate" or a "perfect" relationship. We are raised on stories of princes and princesses who meet and live happily ever after. In reality, there is no magic wand to solve all our problems and no perfect person who will fit us in every way. Every real relationship faces obstacles and crises. The strength of a relationship is not determined by the absence of problems, but by the partners' ability to trust each other and communicate openly about what bothers them.

Building a healthy, strong relationship is possible, but it requires work. It begins with looking inward, understanding the deep-seated reasons for our patterns, and bravely choosing to write a new story for ourselves.

References

• Maslow, A. H. (1970). Motivation and Personality (2nd ed.). Harper & Row.

  This foundational book details Maslow's theory of human motivation, including his hierarchy of needs. The concepts of "Deficiency-love" (D-love) and "Being-love" (B-love) are explored, particularly in chapters related to growth motivation and self-actualization, providing the basis for understanding the difference between mature and immature love as discussed in the article.

• Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.

  Yalom's seminal work outlines the four "givens" of the human condition: death, freedom, existential isolation, and meaninglessness. The book provides a thorough exploration of how the anxiety stemming from these concerns, especially the fear of isolation, can unconsciously motivate individuals to form relationships as a defense mechanism, which directly supports the article's section on "Relationships Born from Fear." (See especially Part III: Isolation, pp. 353-390).

• Karpman, S. B. (2014). A Game Free Life: The New Transactional Analysis of Relationships. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.

  Written by the creator of the Drama Triangle himself, this book offers a modern and in-depth look at the roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. It explains how these codependent roles are formed and perpetuated in relationships, providing a direct and authoritative source for the concepts mentioned in the section "The Unseen Roles We Play." It serves as a practical guide for identifying and escaping these destructive dynamics.