Have We Forgotten How to Be Friends?

When we were children, friendship was simple. A shared space, like a sandbox, and a simple invitation, “Let's be friends,” was all it took. But as the years pass, those sandbox friends often fade from our lives, and forging new, meaningful connections as adults can feel like an insurmountable challenge. Why does this simple bond become so complex with age, and how can we rediscover the art of making friends when we’re no longer children?

The Unique Nature of Friendship

Friendship occupies a special place in the constellation of human relationships. Unlike the bonds we share with family or a romantic partner, it is defined by a distinct lack of formal obligation. We don't map out a shared future with friends in the way we might with a spouse, nor do we carry the silent, inherited responsibilities we feel towards our parents.

This is why, if you consider your mother or your partner to be your best friends, it’s worth reflecting on the nature of those bonds. While these people are undeniably central to your life, the primary roles are already defined—parental and romantic. A parent's fundamental role is one of protection and guidance; they are responsible for you, shaping your very personality. Friendship, in contrast, blossoms between equals who are not bound by dependence. Similarly, a romantic relationship involves a level of intimacy and commitment that sets it apart. Many fear mixing romance with friendship precisely because it can irrevocably alter that unique dynamic. A true friend, then, is someone unconnected to us by these other powerful ties—someone we choose freely, based on respect, shared values, and the simple joy of their company.

The Anatomy of a Healthy Bond

Even in these selfless relationships, crises can arise. To navigate them, and to build lasting connections, it's crucial to understand what a healthy friendship looks like. It’s built on several core principles:

• Mutual Respect: A friend respects your personal boundaries and your opinions, and you offer them the same courtesy.
• Acceptance: They accept you for who you are, without trying to change you into someone you’re not.
• Individuality: While you may share many interests, you remain two separate people, not dependent on each other to feel complete.
• Validation: You can express your thoughts and feelings freely, without fear of being judged or having your experiences dismissed. Phrases like, "That's nothing, I had it even worse," devalue your emotions and are a red flag in any relationship. A connection that consistently leaves you feeling worse after an interaction is not a healthy one.

Just as with any relationship, friendships can become codependent or manipulative. Some may use you to feel better about themselves or demand emotional support without offering any in return. Recognizing these toxic patterns is the first step toward cultivating genuine connections that bring joy, not drain your energy.

Why the Circle Narrows with Age

If finding people who meet these criteria feels difficult, you are not alone. The ease of childhood gives way to the complexities of adulthood, and several factors are at play.

As we grow, we develop a more defined worldview and a stronger sense of self. This self-awareness brings with it the development of personal boundaries. As children, we barely perceive the differences between ourselves and others. But as we mature, especially between the ages of 17 and 20, we begin to separate from our parents and face the pressures of society. This forces us to establish a psychological distance—a boundary of trust—that we allow others to cross selectively. We realize that many acquaintances simply aren't compatible with our values or respectful of our boundaries, and our social circle naturally contracts to include only those with whom we feel truly comfortable.

Psychoanalyst Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development sheds further light on this. He proposed that humans move through eight crises that shape their personalities. The sixth crisis, typically occurring between the ages of 20 and 25, is a conflict between Intimacy and Isolation. A favorable resolution to this crisis allows a person to build close, harmonious relationships while maintaining their own identity. An unfavorable outcome, however, can lead to a profound sense of loneliness and an inability to form trusting connections.

Priorities also shift dramatically. During our teenage years, friends are often the center of our universe. But in adulthood, careers, families, and household responsibilities demand our time and energy. Friends may move to a lower spot on the list, and some connections may dissolve entirely. This is a normal part of life. Our circles narrow to those who are in a similar stage of life and share our current values.

Finally, there is the simple, practical matter of time. Think back to school or university; you spent every day with your friends, constantly present in each other's lives. Now, time with friends must be intentionally carved out. So much can happen between meetings that you can start to feel like strangers. While work colleagues seem like a natural solution, workplace friendships are also tricky. People often present a professional version of themselves at work, making it hard to know who they truly are. Furthermore, a personal conflict between friends can create professional complications.

Cultivating Connection in a Busy World

There is no simple trick to building and maintaining friendships in adulthood. It requires work. It means taking the initiative, showing genuine interest in a friend's life, sharing what is happening in yours, and communicating that you are there for them. To make a real friend, you must first strive to be a good friend yourself. If you can learn to accept yourself, you will be better equipped to build open, trusting, and supportive relationships that can last a lifetime.

References

• Erikson, E. H. (1994). Identity: Youth and Crisis. W. W. Norton & Company.

  This foundational work by Erik Erikson outlines his eight stages of psychosocial development. The chapter on "The Life Cycle: Epigenesis of Identity" is particularly relevant, as it details the sixth stage, "Intimacy vs. Isolation" (primarily discussed on pages 135-139). This section supports the article's point that young adulthood is a critical period for developing the capacity for close, healthy relationships without losing one's sense of self.

• Rawlins, W. K. (2009). Friendship Matters: "Communication, Dialectics, and the Life Course". Aldine de Gruyter.

  Rawlins offers a deep academic exploration of how friendships are created, maintained, and transformed throughout a person's life. The book discusses the "dialectical tensions" in friendships, such as the balance between independence and dependence, which aligns with the article's discussion of maintaining individuality. The chapters on friendship in young and middle adulthood (Chapters 5 and 6) confirm the challenges posed by shifting life priorities like career and family.