What Is Pathological Jealousy and How Do You Know If You Have It?

Romantic relationships bring a symphony of emotions into our lives, most of them beautiful: the joy of shared moments, the thrill of anticipation before a date, the deep desire to bring happiness to your partner. Yet, within this spectrum lies a feeling that can curdle the sweetness—jealousy. It’s a common refrain to hear that jealousy is simply a sign of love, but is that the whole truth? What happens when this powerful emotion spirals out of control?

What is This Feeling We Call Jealousy?

At its heart, jealousy is a complex and painful mix of doubt, fear, and a perceived lack of attention. It’s a potent feeling that isn't exclusive to humans; any creature capable of forming deep emotional bonds can experience it. In psychology, jealousy is often defined as the negative feeling that arises when you believe you are not receiving enough love, respect, or attention from a loved one. This feeling is fueled by a person's internal world—their thoughts, fears, and insecurities. This is precisely why, for someone caught in the grip of intense jealousy, no amount of reassurance or proof of a partner's fidelity can seem to quell the anxiety.

The phenomenon of jealousy has been a subject of intense study. Some researchers have explored whether we are born with a predisposition to it. In one study involving 3,000 sets of twins, scientists sought to determine if jealousy was embedded in our DNA. The results were telling: after comparing the twins' responses, researchers concluded that only about a third of our jealous reactions can be traced back to genetics. The rest is shaped by our life experiences and environment.

These studies have confirmed, however, that there are often distinct differences in how men and women experience jealousy. Men tend to be more sensitive to the possibility of physical infidelity than to a partner's emotional entanglement with someone else. Women, conversely, often react with equal, if not greater, distress to emotional betrayal. Regardless of its origins, nearly everyone encounters this feeling at some point. The intensity varies, and the stronger the jealousy, the more irrational the behavior can become.

When Concern Turns to Control

The signs of unhealthy jealousy are often clear and damaging. They can escalate from subtle unease to outright destructive behaviors:

• The need to constantly monitor a partner's location and social circle.
• Checking personal belongings, phones, and messages.
• Excessive suspicion and sharp, negative reactions to a partner's interactions with others.
• Demanding inappropriate demonstrations of love and loyalty.
• Using blackmail and manipulation to keep a partner close.

The initial, intoxicating phase of a relationship is often fleeting. When it fades, the real work of understanding our partner—and ourselves—begins.

The Roots of Unfounded Jealousy

While jealousy can sometimes be an objective signal of a real threat to a relationship—statistics show that up to 15 percent of men and up to 9% of women have been in a long-term, parallel relationship—more often, partners grapple with unfounded jealousy. This is often called pathological jealousy, where no objective reason for the feeling exists. The person experiencing it may not even be able to articulate why they feel so consumed by it. So, where does it come from?

• Low Self-Esteem: When a person lacks confidence in their own worth, they can't understand why their partner has chosen them. This breeds a constant fear that the relationship is temporary and will end the moment a "better" option appears. A specific facet of this is insecurity about one's physical attractiveness or sexual prowess, leading to the fear of being replaced by someone superior in those areas.
• Projection: This is a powerful defense mechanism of the psyche. We repress our own unacceptable desires and attribute them to someone else. A person who unconsciously wants to be unfaithful but cannot admit it may project that desire onto their partner, seeing "evidence" of betrayal in every innocent action.
• Guilt: Sometimes, the best defense is a good offense. If a person has been unfaithful, they may manifest intense jealousy as a way to deflect attention from their own actions. This, combined with projection, helps them maintain an image of themselves as a devoted partner, both to others and to themselves.
• Past Trauma: If someone has experienced a painful betrayal in a previous relationship, that script can become fixed in their mind as the only possible outcome. With a new partner, they exist in a state of constant, anxious waiting for history to repeat itself, leading to monitoring and suspicion as a misguided attempt at prevention.

When a person can recognize these feelings and restrain the impulse to accuse, check belongings, or let their emotions dictate their actions, the relationship might survive. But if left unchecked, pathological jealousy becomes a poison. Trust erodes, resentment builds, and the relationship suffocates under the weight of constant suspicion. Ironically, by constantly accusing a partner of infidelity, the jealous person may inadvertently push them toward the very behavior they fear.

Reclaiming Trust and Peace of Mind

If you recognize that your own jealousy is becoming unmanageable, the first step is a frank conversation with your partner. It's crucial to focus on your feelings, not on accusations. Explain what troubles you and what triggers these emotions. Your partner may have no idea that certain actions, which seem insignificant to them, are deeply hurtful to you.

Next, turn your focus inward. Try to understand the internal reasons motivating your fear. Instead of fixating on preventing a betrayal that hasn't happened, focus on healing the source of the fear. Working on your self-esteem is paramount. Acknowledge your strengths, celebrate your achievements, and cultivate a life that you are passionate about. When you are fulfilled and developing in different areas of your life, you are far less likely to fall into an unhealthy dependency on a partner.

Recognizing the problem is already half the battle. If you feel unable to cope with these feelings on your own, seeking professional help is a sign of strength. Psychotherapy offers a space to understand the root cause of your jealousy and develop effective strategies for managing it. A therapist can help you untangle these complex emotions and guide you toward building healthier, more trusting relationships.

Have you ever wrestled with jealousy in your own life, either as the one feeling it or the one receiving it? Reflecting on these experiences is the first step toward understanding this powerful and often misunderstood emotion.

References

• Buss, D. M. (2000). The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex. Free Press.

  This book explores jealousy from an evolutionary psychology perspective, arguing that it is a fundamental human emotion that evolved as a defense mechanism to protect valuable relationships. It provides support for the article's discussion of the different triggers for jealousy in men and women, with men being more sensitive to signals of sexual infidelity and women to signals of emotional infidelity (pp. 75-80).

• Leahy, R. L., & Holland, S. J. F. (2000). Treatment Plans and Interventions for Depression and Anxiety Disorders. Guilford Press.

  This clinical guide offers frameworks for understanding and treating emotional disorders rooted in cognitive distortions. Its chapters on low self-esteem and generalized anxiety provide a clinical basis for the article’s claims that pathological jealousy is often linked to internal issues like poor self-concept and cognitive errors, rather than a partner's actual behavior (pp. 211-235).

• Buunk, B. P., & Dijkstra, P. (2006). "Temptation and Threat: Extradyadic Relations and Jealousy." In M. Fine & J. Harvey (Eds.), Handbook of Divorce and Relationship Dissolution (pp. 305–326). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.

  This chapter provides a comprehensive overview of the research on jealousy and infidelity. It supports the article's points regarding projection, guilt, and the impact of past experiences on current relationship dynamics. The authors discuss how a person's own infidelity or insecurities can fuel suspicious accusations against their partner, corroborating the psychological mechanisms described.