Why Female Friendships Are Sometimes Seen as a Battlefield

Have you ever known a woman who proudly declared she found it easier to be friends with boys? Perhaps as an adult, she consciously sought out male-dominated workplaces, convinced that female groups were nothing more than “snake pits” of gossip and intrigue. "I'm not like other women," is her quiet mantra. This isn't an isolated quirk of personality; it's a classic, and often painful, example of a phenomenon known as internalized misogyny.

It’s a strange and disorienting pattern: a woman who harbors a deep-seated contempt for other women, so much so that she seeks to distance herself from everything feminine and align herself with men. This isn't just about preferring a different social style; it's a deep-seated belief that to be female is to be lesser. But this is only one side of the coin. Internalized misogyny can also manifest as its polar opposite: the woman who rigidly conforms to every gender stereotype, and in doing so, harshly judges any woman who steps outside those lines. For her, a man is always right, and a woman’s role is to support him, never to interfere.

In both cases, men are placed on a pedestal. But where does this thinking come from? Why would a woman adopt a worldview that seems to undermine her own identity? The answers are not simple, but are woven through our upbringing, our psychology, and the social worlds we inhabit.

Blueprints from Childhood

The separation begins early. Even children's games are often sorted into two distinct camps. Girls are handed dolls, encouraged to imitate the roles of mother and housewife, and taught the virtues of being modest, friendly, and sweet. “Don’t run, you’re a girl,” is a phrase that echoes through many childhoods. Boys, meanwhile, are given a different set of rules: be strong, be decisive, and above all, be smart.

For many girls, the male role can begin to look far more attractive and empowering. It represents freedom and agency. In response, a desire grows to separate from the "female world" to prove one is worthy of more. This creates a false and damaging choice: either you embrace traditional femininity completely, sometimes leading to judgment against those who don't (“Those who can't cook aren't real women”), or you reject it, leading to a different kind of judgment (“Other women only talk about men and manicures, but I'm not like that”). The problem isn't that one way is inherently better, but that gender stereotypes force women into opposing camps.

The Echo of a Mother's Absence

Our earliest relationships form the blueprint for our future ones, and the maternal bond is often the most critical. If a mother is cold, cruel, or indifferent, a child’s first instinct is to think, "Something is wrong with me." The pain of being unwanted by the one person who is supposed to be a source of unconditional love profoundly damages self-esteem.

Over time, as a protective measure, this belief can transform. The mind shifts from "Something is wrong with me" to "Something is wrong with my mother." This is a crucial turning point, as it can then expand into a broader, more generalized belief: “Something is wrong with women.” In psychology, these deep-seated beliefs are known as schemas. If the primary female figure in your life was unreliable or hurtful, a schema can form that suggests it's better to treat all women with caution. It becomes "safer" to be friends with boys, because the girls, you fear, will inevitably reject you just as you were once rejected. Misogyny becomes a shield, a way to protect a fragile sense of self.

The Pressure to Belong

Beyond our personal history, our social environment exerts a powerful influence. We are social creatures with a fundamental need for communication and acceptance. To survive and thrive, we seek out like-minded groups. To avoid being cast out, we often adopt the group's values, forming a collective "we" that helps us define who we are.

The fear of being alone can be so powerful that it overrides our own values. Consider a woman building a career in a typically male profession. If she hears her colleagues speaking disparagingly about women, she faces a difficult choice. Speaking up could isolate her from the group she depends on for her livelihood and sense of belonging. So, she might support them, or more likely, simply remain silent.

This is reinforced by a mechanism known as the “irreversible investment effect.” The more time and effort we pour into a group, the more attached we become. To accept that the group's ideas are cruel or wrong would be to admit we wasted our time and energy on something toxic. It's a difficult admission for anyone to make, so it becomes easier to justify the group's views to preserve one's own self-esteem.

A Cycle of Division

This entire dynamic creates a vicious circle. It establishes a hidden hierarchy where women are pitted against each other in a silent competition to meet an unrealistic, often male-defined, standard. In this environment, another woman becomes not a friend or an ally, but a rival. The very idea of female friendship is called into question.

This division is an effective, if unintentional, way to disempower women, making it harder for them to trust each other and unite to solve common problems. We see its ugliest manifestation in the way victims of crime are sometimes treated. "She's to blame, she shouldn't have gone to his house," some might say, shifting the focus from the aggressor. If the victim is a young girl, her mother is often blamed for not watching her closely enough or not raising her "properly." The victim is traumatized once by the act, and again by the judgment of other women.

Thankfully, these toxic stereotypes are slowly beginning to change as society evolves. But breaking them down completely requires conscious effort. The path forward begins with the simple, yet profound, realization that character traits, interests, and abilities do not belong to a specific gender. Men can be emotional and nurturing, and women can be brilliant mathematicians and decisive leaders. It starts with paying attention to our own thoughts and words, and asking ourselves if we are applying labels based on outdated stereotypes.

All around us are intelligent, talented, and professional women raising children, flying into space, and saving lives. Recognizing their contributions, and seeing women not as a monolith but as individuals, is the only way we can finally break the cycle.

References

• Pipher, M. (1994). Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. G.P. Putnam's Sons.

  This landmark book explores the immense social pressures that cause adolescent girls to lose their true selves. It confirms the article's points on childhood socialization by detailing how girls are pushed to conform to a narrow, media-driven version of femininity, often at the cost of their authentic voices and ambitions (particularly relevant in chapters like "Strips and Binds").

• Manne, K. (2018). Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny. Oxford University Press.

  Manne provides a philosophical framework that supports the article's core thesis. She argues that misogyny is not simply hatred of women, but a system that polices and enforces a patriarchal social order. This explains why internalized misogyny exists: women become agents of this enforcement to maintain social standing. Her analysis clarifies how women might blame female victims to uphold a social order that privileges men (the concept of "himpathy," discussed on pages 199-201, is particularly relevant here).

• Katz, J. (2006). The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help. Sourcebooks, Inc.

  While focused on men, Katz's work powerfully illustrates the social dynamics of group conformity discussed in the article. His analysis of the "bystander" phenomenon—where good men remain silent in the face of their peers' sexism—provides a direct parallel to the woman in a male-dominated field who stays silent to maintain her position. It confirms the powerful role of group pressure in perpetuating toxic norms, a key social reason for internalized misogyny.