Shame. Fear. Loneliness
A lot can be said (and is said) and written (and written)
about fear and shame. And every time it seems that everything has already been
said, something else, someone else appears, who opens up new facets of these
experiences.
Naturally, these are good emotions. A feeling of fear is a
signal that danger is nearby and you need to save yourself. Feeling ashamed means I am visible to someone
else. So, these are helpful emotions for existence among people and nature. But
it happens that a traumatic experience distorts their being and role in a
person's life. Overdosing on these emotions is like overdosing on drugs
that were potentially beneficial and turned into toxins.
I saw how a
person imprisoned themselves in loneliness with fear and shame. A lady looked
beautiful and attracted to her by being curious. I began to approach her
slowly. And I felt a strong fear - if I had come even closer, touched her even
a little - she would have fallen apart, like a blade of grass that was bound by
the frost and is now so fragile. And I was so ashamed like I a fool in a museum
of beauty - I should understand the deep meaning and not touch it so as not to
destroy it. Because of my fear and shame, I did not dare to approach, the lady was
left alone with her experiences, lonely. This is how trauma imprisons its
prisoners. From the inside, it seems to a person that it is safer not to
come out to people, not to show oneself, to live one's own situations and
problems. Although in fact the
opposite is true - only in contact with other (safe) people is there a chance
to get out of your vicious circle.
How does this happen? How do we find ourselves in
loneliness? When we are still little,
we do not know that we can show ourselves to the world and get something bad in
return, because each of us is born good (with the feeling that "I am
good"). And only when someone nearby (usually the mother) begins to
react in a toxic way (mocking, angry, condemning, devaluing, etc.) the
suspicion that something is wrong begins to creep in. The child is unable to see that "wrong"
is about the parents, attributes the "wrong" to himself. Later on,
it's scary to show yourself as you are. Well, because who wants to be
angry, ridiculed, devalued in response... And we start to build various schemes to hide the real us. The saddest
thing is that we hide ourselves from ourselves as well - because if I don't
see, then the others won't either.
A reliable
scheme of not letting anyone near you is to fill the space inside and outside
with a smoke-fog of fear. And then you can't see anyone behind that fog (and if
you can't see, you don’t feel shame), nor can others see you (and then you are
not so afraid). And it is important that there should be fog - it cannot be
dispelled or avoided - no matter how much you wave your hands, it is there
where it was. A wall or moat between you and the world is not so reliable - one
can see them, and therefore find a way to overcome them.
I call “smoke-fog”
those states when, to the question "What is scary for you in this
situation?", a person cannot give a clear answer – they are afraid of
something but what they are afraid of is unclear (this is the internal fog).
And they send a signal to the outside - "Don't come close, it hurts",
but what hurts and where it hurts is not clear.
It
would be beautiful if it wasn't so sad and lonely.