“From Survival to Self-Respect” - A Journey Within (2013-2023)

By Dr. Sameer Adtani
Behavioural Science | Organisational Psychology | Cognitive Science

Abuse does not always look like violence.

Sometimes it is a raised voice.

Sometimes it is humiliation.

Sometimes it is controlling who you speak to, where you go, what you wear or how you spend your own money.

Sometimes it is being constantly criticised until you begin questioning your own judgment.

And sometimes, the most difficult part is that you slowly start believing that this is simply how relationships work.

I understand this subject not only through behavioural science, psychology and my professional work, but also through experiences I encountered during my teenage years and young adulthood.

Those experiences taught me something that textbooks cannot fully explain:

When you experience unhealthy behaviour repeatedly, your brain can begin treating it as normal.

When you are young, you don’t always have the language for abuse

As a teenager, I did not always have the emotional vocabulary to understand what was happening around me.

You may know that something feels wrong, but you don’t necessarily know whether it is fear, shame, manipulation, control, emotional abuse or simply “family problems.”

Young people often adapt.

• They become quieter.
• They try harder to please people.
• They avoid arguments.
• They learn to read someone’s mood before saying something.

They may even start thinking:

“Maybe I am the problem.”

This is where behavioural conditioning becomes important.

If a particular behaviour repeatedly produces fear, conflict or punishment, the person may begin changing their own behaviour to avoid the response.

Over time, avoidance can become a survival strategy.

My experience as a young adult

As I moved into young adulthood, I began understanding people and relationships differently.

I realised that being strong does not mean tolerating everything.

Being respectful does not mean accepting disrespect.

Keeping peace does not always mean there is peace.

And forgiveness does not require you to give someone unlimited access to you.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was that boundaries are not necessarily rejection.

Sometimes a boundary is simply:

“This behaviour is not acceptable to me.”

That distinction changed the way I looked at relationships, work, family and even myself.

Abuse can change the way we think

From a behavioural science perspective, repeated abuse can influence how a person interprets situations.

• You may become hyper-alert to someone’s tone.
• A normal disagreement can feel dangerous.
• You may over-explain yourself.
• You may constantly seek approval.
• You may struggle to say “no.”
• You may feel guilty when you protect yourself.

None of these reactions automatically mean something is wrong with you.

They can be learned responses to an environment that repeatedly made you feel unsafe.

The important question becomes:

“Is this behaviour helping me live, or is it helping me survive?”

A simple framework I use: SAFE

When someone is dealing with abuse, I encourage them to think about four things.

S — See it

Name the behaviour.

Is it criticism, intimidation, manipulation, threats, physical violence, sexual coercion, financial control, isolation or emotional abuse?

You cannot change what you cannot identify.

A — Assess it

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe around this person?
• Can I disagree without being threatened?
• Can I make decisions for myself?
• Am I constantly afraid of their reaction?
• Has the behaviour become more frequent or severe?

F — Find support

Abuse becomes more powerful when you are isolated.

Talk to someone trustworthy.

• A friend.
• A family member.
• A therapist.
• A doctor.
• A counsellor.
• A professional support organisation.

You do not have to explain everything perfectly. Start with the sentence:

“I don’t feel safe in this situation and I need someone to talk to.”

E — Establish boundaries and an exit plan

If it is safe to do so, establish boundaries.

If the situation involves threats or physical violence, safety comes before confrontation.

Think practically about:

• Where can I go?
• Who can I call?
• What documents do I need?
• Do I have access to money?
• Can someone help me?
• What happens if the situation becomes dangerous?

Leaving an abusive situation is not always simple, particularly when there are children, financial dependence, family pressure or fear involved.

Safety planning should therefore be individual and realistic.

Another framework: STOP → THINK → CHOOSE

When you have lived with unhealthy behaviour for a long time, you can automatically react.

This framework creates a small psychological pause.

STOP

Pause before responding.

THINK

Ask:

• “What is actually happening?”
• “Am I responding to the present situation or to an old pattern?”
• “Am I afraid of the person, or am I afraid of their reaction?”

CHOOSE

Ask:

“What response protects my wellbeing?”

Sometimes the answer is to communicate.

Sometimes it is to walk away.

Sometimes it is to seek professional help.

And sometimes it is to leave.

Healing is not simply “forgetting”

One of the misconceptions about abuse is that healing means forgetting what happened.

I don’t believe that is necessary.

Healing can mean remembering without allowing the experience to control every future relationship.

• It can mean learning to trust your judgment again.
• It can mean discovering that disagreement does not automatically mean danger.
• It can mean saying no without feeling guilty.
• It can mean learning that love and fear are not the same thing.

And sometimes healing means accepting that you may never receive the apology or explanation you hoped for.

Your recovery cannot always depend on another person’s understanding of what they did.

What I would tell my younger self

If I could sit with the teenager and young adult I once was, I would say:

• You are not responsible for another person’s behaviour.
• You do not have to earn basic respect.
• You are allowed to have boundaries.
• You are allowed to ask for help.
• You are allowed to leave situations that continuously harm you.

And asking for help does not make you weak.

It means you have recognised that your wellbeing matters.

From survival to self-awareness

My work in behavioural science has given me a different lens through which to understand these experiences.

We are shaped by our environments, but we are not permanently defined by them.

• Our behaviours can be learned.
• Our beliefs can be questioned.
• Our emotional responses can be understood.

And with the right support, healthier patterns can be developed.

That is one of the reasons I believe behavioural science should not remain inside academic books.

It should help people understand themselves in everyday life.

Especially when they are asking questions like:

“Why do I keep accepting this?”
“Why am I afraid to say no?”
“Why do I feel guilty when I protect myself?”
“Why do I keep repeating the same relationship pattern?”
“Why does a small argument feel so overwhelming?”

These questions deserve compassion rather than judgment.

One final thought

If you are experiencing abuse or violence, the responsibility for the abusive behaviour belongs to the person choosing that behaviour.

Your first responsibility is not to fix them.

It is to protect yourself.

And if you are not currently in danger but are recognising patterns from your past, you can begin with something much smaller:

• Name what happened.
• Understand how it affected you.
• Recognise the pattern.
• Build support.
• Learn your boundaries.

And slowly, learn to choose differently.

Sometimes healing begins with a very simple realisation:

“I don’t have to live the way I learned to survive.”

— Dr. Sameer Adtani
Behavioural Science | Organisational Psychology | Cognitive Science