Why Don't Modern Women Know What They Want from Men?

I often find myself reflecting on how drastically the landscape of relationships between men and women has shifted. Ten or fifteen years ago, the dynamic felt much simpler and more transparent. If you acted confidently on a date, took the initiative, and showed healthy persistence, the likelihood of success was high. Back then, women seemed to unconsciously test men for inner strength: if you passed her "tests" and demonstrated character, you were in the game. Every second date had a real chance of leading to something serious.

But today? A date can go wonderfully: there is laughter, obvious flirting, and plenty of common topics. And then—absolute silence. No continuation, no explanation. You sit there wondering: what exactly went wrong? The reality is that the rules of the game have completely changed, and many men are playing by a rulebook that is no longer valid.

How Women's Expectations Have Shifted

Today, behaviors that were once celebrated as masculine confidence are increasingly perceived as pressure or a disregard for personal boundaries. If you persist, call, or assertively suggest meeting again, you risk getting labeled "toxic" or intrusive. In the past, women openly stated they wanted a strong, decisive man who takes matters into his own hands. Now, the cultural narrative is dominated by talk of equality, where no one dominates and no one dictates how to live.

Even jealousy, which once secretly flattered many girls (because it signaled that you valued her and were afraid of losing her), now causes immediate outrage. "Are you controlling me? That's a huge red flag!"—and just like that, you are blocked. I am not saying this shift is inherently bad; society is changing, and values are evolving. However, the core problem is that human biology does not evolve as fast as culture. Deep down, many women are still instinctively drawn to men who exude strength, confidence, and the ability to make hard decisions. Yet, on a conscious level, they force themselves to choose the "safe," patient, and understanding partners. The result? They complain that there is no spark, that the relationship is boring, or that the man feels more like a "girlfriend" than a partner.

The Conflict Between Instinct and Reason

There is a typical scenario I see constantly: a girl says she wants a kind, attentive guy who listens and never pressures her. She finds exactly that man—and a year later dumps him because "he is spineless and can't decide anything." Then she meets a confident, strong, slightly rougher man—and complains again: "He doesn't listen to me; he does everything his own way."

So, what is the actual goal? After dozens of dates, years on dating apps, and experiences with multiple partners, many seem to be searching for an ideal that simply does not exist. They want a biological hybrid: strong but soft; rich but modest; passionate but completely without jealousy. When you try to explain the impossibility of this combination, you hear: "Don't be negative, don't ruin the mood." Modern dating has turned into a brutal casting call where a woman searches for a non-existent perfection, only to wonder why she never falls in love. If you are strong—"ugh, another macho." If you are soft—"nice, but boring, no chemistry." Either way, you get ghosted: punished for being too masculine or rejected for lacking passion.

Why Men Learn to Deceive

Women constantly claim they want honesty. But in practice, honesty is frequently punished in the dating market. If you admit on the first date that you earn an average salary, live with your parents to save money, and enjoy playing video games in the evenings to unwind—there will likely be no second date. But the guy who embellishes reality—"I have my own business, I love extreme sports, I travel constantly"—gets a chance, even if half of it is a lie.

Later, when the truth surfaces, the woman is outraged: "All men are liars!" But we must ask: who created this system? It is created by those who ignore the honest, average men and select the ones who weave the prettiest lies. I myself embellished the truth a couple of times in my youth—out of shame or a strong infatuation. But I realized a fundamental truth: lying is a weak position. Real strength is found in being yourself from the very start, regardless of the consequences.

The Path of Radical Honesty

Here is my suggestion for navigating this modern chaos: adopt a strategy of radical honesty. Say everything exactly as it is. "I work as a manager, I have an average salary, I live separately but I have to save on everything, and my hobby is gaming." Most women will bail immediately—and that is actually a good thing. It saves you time and energy. The ones who stay are the ones who want the real you, not an image.

When you admit your own "flaws" upfront, people tend to believe your strengths as well. Honesty becomes a distinct competitive advantage in a world where everyone is curating a fake persona. The same logic applies to choosing women: look for those who clearly know what they want. Look for women who view life realistically, rather than those dreaming of a Disney prince who doesn't exist.

Our grandparents often lived together for decades not because they were perfect people, but because they had no illusions of endless choice. They adapted, they compromised, and they valued what they had: a man works, he provides, he doesn't drink away the money, he doesn't hit—that was enough to build a life. Today, the bar is set sky-high: a partner must be handsome, a millionaire, emotionally intelligent, and a domestic servant all in one. But reality always returns like a boomerang: comfort without passion leads to boredom, and a woman eventually seeks adrenaline on the side.

Biology whispers: "You want strong and decisive." Psychology advises: "Choose safe and understanding." The result is cognitive dissonance and disappointment. So, don't be surprised when she disappears after a great date. She likely doesn't know what she truly wants. Healthy relationships are built only when both partners know, accept, and value reality over fantasy.

References

• John Gray. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992). A classic work that explains fundamental psychological differences between men and women, leading to misunderstandings in relationships, and offers ways to overcome them by recognizing these differences.
• Pomytkina L.V. et al. Psykholohiia sim'i (Family Psychology). Examines the evolution of family relationships, gender roles, and changes in partner expectations in modern society.
• Allan and Barbara Pease. Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps. Analyzes the disruption of traditional role division in couples as a source of conflicts in modern relationships and discusses the biological underpinnings of behavior.