Emotional Schema Scale in Relationships: How Does Your Partner Respond to Your Feelings?

Understanding how emotions play out in our relationships is crucial. It’s not just about what we feel, but also about how our partner reacts when we’re upset, excited, or confused. A fascinating tool for exploring this dynamic is the Emotional Schema Scale, created by Dr. Robert Leahy, a prominent psychologist who has extensively studied how we process our emotions. This specific version focuses on your partner's responses to your feelings over the past month—like whether they criticize you for being emotional, help you make sense of mixed feelings, or push you to act differently. This short test is powerful because it gets you thinking about the intricate emotional dance you and your partner perform together.

The test consists of 14 simple questions. You answer each one on a 6-point scale, from “strongly disagree” to “strongly agree.” If you answer honestly, it should only take about five minutes. The questions delve into whether your partner gets annoyed when you express strong emotions, if they validate your feelings, or if they make you feel as though your emotions are fundamentally wrong. Ultimately, you will get a sense of your partner’s main patterns: do they support, dismiss, or try to control how you feel? It’s important to remember that this is not about judging your relationship; it’s about noticing and becoming aware of how your emotions are handled within it.

I tried this test myself, reflecting on my own relationship, and the results were insightful. My score indicated that my partner was mostly supportive, but it highlighted that they sometimes struggled when I experienced mixed or conflicting emotions. This realization prompted a valuable conversation between us about that specific dynamic. Dr. Leahy’s work suggests that how partners respond to each other's emotions fundamentally shapes a relationship’s health—supportive responses build trust and intimacy, while dismissive or critical ones can create significant distance.

How It Works

Below are the 14 questions. You can use a piece of paper or simply keep track mentally. Answer each question based on how your partner has responded to your emotions over the past month. Use the following scale for your answers:

• 1 = Strongly Disagree
• 2 = Moderately Disagree
• 3 = Slightly Disagree
• 4 = Slightly Agree
• 5 = Moderately Agree
• 6 = Strongly Agree

The Emotional Schema Scale Questions

1. My partner criticizes me when I express strong emotions.

   That one can sting. I’ve seen couples where one person feels shut down because their emotions are called “too much.”

2. My partner helps me understand my feelings when I’m confused.
3. My partner makes me feel like my emotions are invalid. (R)
4. My partner encourages me to express my emotions openly.
5. My partner gets frustrated when I have mixed feelings. (R)
6. My partner listens carefully when I share my emotions.
7. My partner tries to change how I express my feelings. (R)

   I remember someone I worked with who scored high on that one—it led to a big talk about needing space to feel without judgment.

8. My partner validates my emotions, even when they’re intense.
9. My partner makes me feel guilty for my emotions. (R)
10. My partner helps me feel okay about having conflicting emotions.
11. My partner dismisses my feelings when I’m upset. (R)
12. My partner supports me in working through my emotions.
13. My partner expects me to hide my true feelings. (R)
14. My partner makes me feel safe sharing my emotions.

Scoring Your Results

To calculate your score, you first need to address the questions marked with an (R). For these specific questions (3, 5, 7, 9, 11, and 13), you must flip the scores. This is because these items are phrased negatively.

The conversion is as follows:

• If you scored a 1, it becomes a 6.
• If you scored a 2, it becomes a 5.
• If you scored a 3, it becomes a 4.
• If you scored a 4, it becomes a 3.
• If you scored a 5, it becomes a 2.
• If you scored a 6, it becomes a 1.

Once you have adjusted the scores for the (R) items, add up all 14 of your final scores. Then, divide that total by 14 to get your average score, which will be a number between 1 and 6.

What Your Score Means

Your average score provides a snapshot of the emotional climate in your relationship. Here is a general guide to interpreting it:

• A score of 1-2 suggests your partner often responds negatively to your emotions. This pattern may involve criticizing, dismissing, or attempting to control how you feel.
• A score of 3-4 is an average range, meaning your partner is supportive at times but may struggle with certain emotions or situations. Most people, according to Leahy's research, fall into this category.
• A score of 5-6 indicates your partner is highly supportive, consistently validating your feelings and helping you process them in a constructive way.

The test highlights three key patterns in how a partner might respond: supportive (validating, listening), dismissive (ignoring, invalidating), or controlling (pushing you to change). This test isn’t about pointing fingers; it’s a tool to illuminate how emotions are being handled in your relationship. I’ve seen couples use it to start crucial conversations about what they need from each other, like more validation or less pressure to "fix" their feelings. If your score is low, it might be worth talking with your partner about how you both can better navigate emotional expression. Leahy’s work clearly shows that supportive responses can strengthen trust and closeness, while negative ones can create lasting emotional distance.

Try it and see what patterns emerge. It might spark a new way to understand your relationship or open up a healthy dialogue about how you both deal with the complexities of human feelings.

Reference

• Leahy, R. L. (2015). Emotional Schema Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.

  This book provides a comprehensive overview of Dr. Leahy's theory of emotional schemas—the core beliefs and strategies individuals use to understand, experience, and express emotions. It serves as a foundational text for the concepts underlying the Emotional Schema Scale and explains how these schemas impact personal well-being and interpersonal relationships.