Why Choosing Not to Have Kids Is So Complicated

For many women today, the prospect of having a child feels like detonating a bomb in the middle of a carefully constructed life. It threatens to vaporize a career, scatter friendships, reshape a body, and obliterate the simple luxury of uninterrupted sleep. This profound decision has created a modern tribe: the childfree. Yet, not all who make this choice experience it in the same way. The reasons behind the decision seem to sort people into two distinct camps, one living in quiet resolve and the other in a state of constant, low-grade turmoil.

The Calm Resolve of "Bad" Reasons

The first group of childfree individuals often arrives at their decision for what society might label "bad" or negative reasons. Their choice is frequently rooted in a past they cannot escape or a future they cannot bear to imagine for a child.

Perhaps they had a difficult childhood themselves. Having already lived the role of a child and found it painful, the idea of becoming a parent feels less like a new beginning and more like reopening old wounds. They refuse to step onto that stage again, unwilling to risk reenacting a painful history.

Another common reason is a deep-seated pessimism about the state of the world. They look at the landscape of global conflict, environmental decay, economic instability, and pervasive suffering and ask, "Why would I bring a new life into this?" It’s not a rejection of children, but a rejection of the world as a worthy inheritance for one. Similarly, some refuse to "breed poverty." They believe children deserve a certain standard of living—one they feel they cannot provide. They are willing to bring a child into the middle or upper class, but not into a life of financial struggle.

Paradoxically, this group—those who choose to be childfree for these seemingly bleak reasons—often exists in a state of profound peace. There is no internal war. Their decision, born from experience and conviction, is solid. They rarely display animosity toward those who choose parenthood. You won't find them seething over a baby crying in a café or a mother breastfeeding in public. Their choice is personal, a protective boundary around their own well-being, and they calmly accept that others have drawn their boundaries differently.

The Neurosis of "Good" Reasons

The second category of childfree individuals is a stark contrast. These are the people who choose not to have children for what most would consider perfectly "good" and rational reasons. They want to build a career, maintain their financial independence, and preserve the quality of life they enjoy.

They want to travel, to nurture their relationship with their partner without the strain that a child can bring—a strain that some studies suggest can significantly increase the likelihood of separation. They want to protect their bodies, their friendships, their sleep. These are all valid, life-affirming desires.

Yet, despite the soundness of their logic, this group is often plagued by a deep and persistent neurosis. This internal conflict is a tug-of-war between two powerful forces. On one side is the desire to live an unencumbered life: "I want to earn money and spend it on myself. I want my career to flourish. I want to be spontaneous. I want to safeguard my relationship and my sanity."

On the other side is a ghost from the future: the fear of regret.

This fear whispers a terrifying question: "What if the price of my freedom today is a lifetime of longing tomorrow?" The career, the travel, the sleep—will they feel as valuable at sixty as they do at thirty? The fear is not about the present, but about a future self who might look back and mourn the child they never had. This anxiety is compounded by the fear of making the opposite mistake: having a child and regretting the loss of their former life.

The Taboo of Parental Regret

The popular narrative that "no one ever regrets having children" is a powerful and misleading myth. The truth is far more complex. A 2021 YouGov survey in Great Britain revealed that 8% of parents surveyed admitted to regretting their decision to have children. The numbers were even higher among younger parents, with 13% of those under 34 expressing regret. Even among parents aged 55 and older, whose children are likely grown, 6% still carried this difficult emotion.

Consider the immense social pressure to view parenthood as the ultimate joy. Admitting regret is a profound taboo. It requires immense courage to tick a box on an anonymous survey that contradicts one of society's most sacred beliefs. Given this, it’s reasonable to suspect that the actual percentage of parents who feel some form of regret is likely much higher than the reported 8%. This data confirms that the fears of the "neurotic" childfree are not unfounded. The choice to have a child, or not to, carries the potential for regret on either side.

A 21st-Century Solution to an Age-Old Dilemma

For those caught in this agonizing limbo, tormented by a ticking biological clock and the fear of a future reckoning, there is no need to let this neurosis fester for years. Thankfully, modern reproductive technology offers a practical escape valve.

A woman’s ability to conceive naturally declines with age and ends with menopause, but her ability to carry a pregnancy can extend well into her 50s. The solution is to go to a reproductive clinic and freeze genetic material. By freezing embryos, eggs, and sperm, a couple or individual can effectively press pause on the decision.

If a couple is unsure their relationship will last, they can freeze all three. Embryos, which have the highest survival rate, can be created. Then, separately, eggs can be frozen as the woman’s property and sperm as the man’s. Contracts can determine the fate of the embryos in case of a separation.

This isn't just a consideration for women. A man's biological clock is also ticking. The quality of sperm generally begins to decline after the age of 35, which is why sperm bank donors are typically young. Freezing high-quality biomaterial while young is a logical step for anyone, male or female, who thinks they might want children someday, but not today.

This procedure, once prohibitively expensive, has become far more accessible. It offers a way to disarm the "atomic bomb" of a decision that feels so final. It separates the question of "Do I want kids?" from "Do I want kids right now?" By creating a backup plan—a stash for the future—the paralyzing pressure is released. The choice no longer has to be made under the duress of a ticking clock. It allows for a calm, conscious decision to be made later, when and if the time is right.

References

• Donath, Orna. Regretting Motherhood: A Sociological Study. North Atlantic Books, 2017.

  This groundbreaking sociological study explores the taboo subject of parental regret. Donath interviews women from various backgrounds who, despite loving their children, regret the decision to become mothers. The book validates the article's claim that parental regret is a real and significant phenomenon, challenging the societal myth that motherhood is universally fulfilling (see especially Chapter 1, "The Dissonance Between 'There Is No Such Thing' and 'There Is'").

• Smith, Matthew. "How many parents regret having children?" YouGov, 20 April 2021.

  This reference is the direct source for the survey data cited in the article. The poll quantifies the percentage of British parents who regret having children, broken down by age group. It provides empirical evidence that parental regret is not a rare occurrence, supporting the argument that the fear of making the "wrong" choice is a valid concern for those deciding whether to have children.

• American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM). "Age and Fertility: A Guide for Patients." Fertility and Sterility, vol. 98, no. 6, 2012, pp. 1402-1406.

  This patient guide, produced by a leading authority in reproductive health, explains the biological processes behind age-related fertility decline in both women and men. It provides a scientific basis for the article's discussion of the "biological clock," detailing why freezing eggs, sperm, or embryos can be a viable strategy for preserving future reproductive options.