Before You Say 'I Do': The 8 Values That Predict a Marriage's Fate

Choosing to marry and build a family is one of life's most profound decisions. It’s a choice that shapes our entire future, and understandably, everyone wants to get it right. But how? How can anyone possibly predict the arguments and conflicts that lie ahead? It might sound impossible, but you can. In fact, it's possible to assess the fundamental risks a partnership will face years down the line—and the likely reasons for them—long before any vows are exchanged.

After observing human relationships for thousands of hours, a professional in any field begins to see a routine, an unmistakable pattern. A point is reached where nothing is new. The stories, the conflicts, the reasons for breaking up—it's like watching the same play from every seat in the theater. This feeling of predictability isn't unique to psychology. A master mechanic who has repaired 600 cars is rarely surprised by a strange noise from an engine. A seasoned musician has heard every possible cough from the audience.

In practical psychology, this sense of pattern recognition solidifies somewhere between 600 and 800 hours of clinical work. The problems are the same. The conflicts in marriage, the reasons for arguments, the triggers for divorce... it’s all the same. The information I want to share isn't based on complex theories but on the simple, observable truths of what truly happens inside a marriage. People argue, grow resentful, and ultimately separate for the same core reasons. These reasons don't magically appear after the wedding; they are present from the very beginning. Partners often see them, but choose to ignore them, believing that love will conquer all. But it won't. In the majority of divorces, love is not enough to solve fundamental incompatibilities.

The Three Pillars of a Relationship

Think of a relationship or a marriage as a structure standing on three pillars: sex, daily life, and values.

The first pillar, sex, is adjustable. With desire and effort, a couple can learn to build a mutually satisfying physical relationship. The second pillar, daily life, is also flexible. It's not even an essential component, as many successful "visiting" marriages prove. And for couples who do live together, the routines of daily life can be negotiated and adapted over time.

But the third pillar, values, is not adjustable. A person's core values are who they are. This leads us to a critical conclusion: when choosing a life partner, the one area where you must align from the start is in your values. You cannot change or "adjust" each other's fundamental worldview during a marriage. While you can work on intimacy and household chores, you must match on values from day one.

So, how do you determine if you and a partner align? It's not about loving the same movies or music. It’s about sharing a fundamental understanding on eight basic values. These eight values were identified by surveying people in their later years, asking what they truly considered important in life. Those who felt they had lived a fulfilling life were those who had successfully realized these values.

The Eight Basic Values That Define a Partnership

It is crucial to choose a partner who shares the meaning and content of your basic values. If you don't, neither of you will be able to live authentically within the marriage, and you may one day look back with regret.

Here is what misalignment in these eight areas looks like:

1. Home and Space
   This value concerns the dwelling you live in and where it's located. Conflict arises when one person dreams of a house in the suburbs while the other needs the energy of a downtown apartment. One partner may want to live in a cold climate with changing seasons, while the other craves eternal summer. Constant arguments about where to live—"It's too noisy here," "The commute is too long"—are symptoms of this value being unaligned.
2. Family
   This is about the very definition of your family. How many children should you have, if any? A clash is inevitable if one person wants a large family and the other wants to remain child-free. This value also includes how you interact with extended family. Should your parents be involved in every decision? If one person believes in constant communication with their parents while the other values independence, this will be a source of endless friction.
3. Friends
   People have vastly different needs for social interaction. One partner might be a social butterfly, needing to see friends several times a week, considering them a primary support system. The other might see friends once every few months and be perfectly content. If one partner feels their spouse lives a life primarily outside the family, while their own focus is internal, arguments like, "Why are you always out with your friends?" will become a constant refrain.
4. Health and Body
   Attitudes toward health can diverge dramatically. One partner may prioritize fitness, regular health screenings, and a nutritious diet. The other might neglect their body, seeing it merely as a vehicle to get through the day. Over time, these different approaches will not only lead to different physical appearances but also to conflicts over lifestyle choices and long-term well-being.
5. Career, Money, and Self-Realization
   This is a major value with three components. Career: Do you support each other's right to build a career? If a woman envisions herself as an independent professional, but her partner believes her place is at home, there will be constant conflict. He may resent her business trips, while she feels stifled. Money: You should have a similar vision for your desired standard of living. Society can be roughly divided into levels: destitute, poor, middle class, upper middle class, and wealthy. A couple should be on the same level or adjacent levels. If one person is content with a modest life while the other strives for wealth, money will become a battleground. Self-Realization: Do you want a partner who is passionate and striving for something in their own right? Many people want to be with someone who has their own interests and ambitions, not just an appendage to their life. If one person values this deeply and the other does not, it can lead to a lack of mutual respect and admiration.
6. Personal Space
   This is the right to be alone. Does your partner understand that you might need an hour of solitude after work without it being a rejection of them? Many people simply don't grasp the need for quiet self-reflection. If one person requires solitude to recharge and the other sees it as an insult, the home will never feel like a sanctuary for both.
7. Love and Sensual Pleasure
   This refers to romantic attachment. Are you a person who needs to openly express and receive affection? If you need a deep emotional exchange but your partner is emotionally reserved or "dry," you will feel perpetually unloved. You will offer your heart and soul, only to receive a lukewarm response.
8. Hobbies and Quality Free Time
   You don't need to share every hobby, but you must have a shared concept of what constitutes "time well spent." For one couple, it might be relaxing on the couch with a movie and pizza. For another, it's attending concerts and art exhibitions. Problems arise when one person's idea of a good time is staying home, while the other has a deep curiosity and needs to constantly explore the world.

The Titanic Rule: A Prognosis for Your Relationship

What matters most isn't which values align, but how many. A marriage can survive with up to three unaligned basic values. Your ability to compromise will be fueled by the fact that you still agree on the other five. There will be tension, but because you align on the majority, you'll still see your partner as being on your team.

However, if four or more values are unaligned, a breakup is only a matter of time. You will get divorced.

Think of it like the Titanic, which was built with multiple compartments. With three compartments flooded, the ship could have stayed afloat. But when the fourth was breached, its fate was sealed. A relationship is the same. A satisfying, long-term partnership with four or more unaligned values simply does not exist. It will be an eternal war.

People often recognize this misalignment before marriage but proceed anyway, high on the initial wave of hormonal love. The first 18 months or so can be blissful. You idealize your partner, and everything seems perfect. But as the hormonal response naturally fades, you start to see things clearly. The first serious quarrels erupt, and they will be about your unaligned basic values.

Imagine a relationship where five values are misaligned. At first, it's all passion and romance. They can't keep their hands off each other. A professional might gently suggest they date for a couple of years before making any major commitments, but they're sure their love is forever. They get married. Maybe they even have a child.

Then, about 18 months in, reality hits. The hormonal high is gone, and the deep, irreconcilable differences surface. The arguments begin. Let's say their values on "Career, Money, and Self-Realization" are opposed. She desires an upper-middle-class life; he is content with much less. At first, she nags him to earn more. When that fails, a cold distance grows. He starts spending hours in his car after work just to avoid going inside. She, in turn, might fall for promises from online life coaches who claim she can unlock his financial potential with the right "feminine energy."

Eventually, after the courses fail and the arguments intensify, they lose all interest in each other. One day, she might see a notification for a 300-dollar purchase he made—not for their family, but for a virtual tank in a computer game. At that moment, she finally admits the marriage has failed. After the divorce, she’ll tell everyone her ex-husband was a lazy bum, and he’ll tell everyone she was a gold-digger.

The tragedy is that this outcome was predictable from the start. They weren't bad people; they were simply a bad match. Had they enjoyed their initial romance for what it was—a beautiful but temporary connection—they could have parted ways amicably, with fond memories. Instead, by forcing a marriage on a foundation of unaligned values, they created years of mutual pain and resentment.

To summarize, the pillars of a relationship are sex, daily life, and values. The first two can be adjusted; the third cannot. If you align on five or more of the eight basic values, your relationship has a strong foundation. If you align on four or fewer, it's best to either enjoy the romance for a limited time or walk away before you cause each other irreversible harm.

References

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books.
  This book, based on decades of research observing thousands of couples, outlines key principles for marital success. Principle 7, "Create Shared Meaning" (pp. 241-265), directly supports the article's thesis, arguing that the most successful couples build a "microculture" rich with shared symbols, rituals, and values. Gottman emphasizes that a marriage's deeper purpose is rooted in a shared vision for life, which aligns with the eight core values discussed.
• Amato, P. R., & Rogers, S. J. (1997). A Longitudinal Study of Marital Problems and Subsequent Divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 59(3), 612–624.
  This longitudinal study tracked married couples over time to identify the specific problems that most strongly predicted divorce. The findings confirm that disagreements over core life areas are highly corrosive to a marriage. The study identifies factors like "irritating habits," "moodiness," and conflicts over "leisure," "money," and "roles" as significant predictors of divorce, which correspond directly to misalignments in the basic values of health, personal space, hobbies, and career.