An Honest Look at Open Relationships: It’s Not for the Faint of Heart

Is there a line between an open relationship and simple promiscuity, or is it just semantics? In scientific circles, this is explored under the term consensual non-monogamy (CNM), and it’s a subject of active study. It's a structure where two people in a primary relationship agree to seek sexual or romantic connections outside of their partnership. This isn't the same as polyamory, which can involve a complex network of relationships among multiple people. Today, we're focused on the couple—two people who choose a path other than strict monogamy.

Nature's Blueprint vs. Society's Rules

If we zoom out and look at the animal kingdom, monogamy is surprisingly rare. Among mammals, only about 4% form monogamous pairs; the other 96% are polygamous, including our closest relatives, the great apes. So where do humans fit in? The consensus suggests we fall into that tiny 4%—but with a significant caveat. The modern understanding is that humans practice serial monogamy.

Everything from our biology to our psychology points to this pattern. Our hormonal background shifts dramatically after the first few years of a relationship. The brain's reward system, which lights up so intensely when we first look at our partner, eventually calms down. Even our physical design suggests a need for strong pair-bonding to raise offspring. A human child cannot be raised by a single parent in the wild; it takes a team. Evolution seems to have equipped us with mechanisms for forming strong, temporary bonds—long enough to get a child through its most vulnerable years. For comparison, a three-meter-tall gorilla has a penis that is only 4 centimeters when erect. He doesn't need more; for gorillas, sex is primarily for procreation, not for the mutual pleasure that strengthens a pair bond.

This brings us to a biopsychosocial dissonance. Our biology and psychology seem wired for serial monogamy. Hormones like oxytocin, which foster deep connection, are most potent in the early stages of a relationship and then decline. The thrill fades. Yet, the social bell tolls a different tune—it rings for "together forever." While 99% of the world's population lives in countries where marriage is legally defined as a union of two people, our inner wiring doesn't automatically shut down attraction to others once we've committed. A man doesn't lose his physical response to other women after finding his partner, nor does a woman. The biological and psychological capacity to engage with others remains intact; the limitations we live by are almost entirely social.

When a Good Relationship Lacks a Spark

So, how does a couple arrive at the idea of opening their relationship? Often, it happens after the initial hormonal storm has passed and settled into a calm, deep attachment. They may still share values, have a great domestic life, and enjoy a comfortable sexual relationship. The partnership is functional, even happy. But the appetite for new experiences, for the thrill of the chase and the spark of novelty, can remain.

There seems to be no good reason to divorce. The three core pillars of the relationship are strong: shared values, domestic compatibility, and sexual intimacy. It's just that the sex has become "good" or "technical" rather than the explosive, all-consuming passion it once was. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense. After about three years—the period of intense hormonal bonding—nature might encourage new pairings to increase genetic diversity.

But instead of ending the relationship, some couples make a different choice. They decide to stay together, preserving the deep connection they've built, while agreeing to satisfy their appetite for novelty elsewhere. This is the essence of consensual non-monogamy.

Looking at the population, it seems most people opt for a more traditional path. With divorce rates being significant in many modern societies, a large portion of people simply end the relationship when the hormonal high wears off. Another group stays in a monogamous marriage for life, with varying degrees of satisfaction. Tucked within these groups is a small percentage—estimated by researchers at a Canadian university to be 3-7% and by the University of Rochester at 4%—who practice consensual non-monogamy.

Interestingly, studies from both universities, conducted independently, sought to test the hypothesis that CNM relationships would be less satisfying than monogamous ones due to issues like jealousy and conflict. Both came to the same conclusion: there was no discernible difference in relationship satisfaction. It seems that if both partners openly acknowledge and agree to fulfill their need for novelty outside the relationship, it doesn't necessarily put their primary bond at risk.

A Practical Framework for Navigating Non-Monogamy

As a practicing psychologist, I’ve observed certain patterns that make these arrangements more or less successful. If you're contemplating this path, consider these crucial points.

1. Build on a Foundation of Strength, Not Weakness

   An open relationship is not a solution for a failing one. When partners are already struggling with value alignment, daily life, or sexual issues, introducing new people into the mix will only accelerate the collapse. Successful consensual non-monogamy can only exist on the foundation of an already happy, stable, and sexually active partnership. It’s an expansion of a strong bond, not a patch for a broken one.

2. Create Your Own Culture and Contract

   Most of us have no cultural blueprint for this. Our grandparents didn't sit us down with photo albums explaining their open relationship phase. Lacking established social norms, you must create your own. This means establishing a clear, honest contract. From my practice, I've seen couples include points like:

   • Agreeing not to share details of their outside encounters with each other.
   • Keeping the arrangement private from friends and family.
   • Avoiding sexual contact with mutual acquaintances.
   • Never bringing other partners into the shared home.
   • Always using protection.
   • Reserving holidays and trips exclusively for each other.
   • Forbidding certain sexual acts with outside partners.
   • Setting a budget for dates and other expenses.
   • Maintaining a sexual relationship with each other.
   • Establishing a fixed term for the arrangement (e.g., three months, six months, or a year), after which the agreement is reassessed.
3. Healthy Self-Esteem is Non-Negotiable

   This is perhaps the most critical element. For consensual non-monogamy to work, both partners must possess healthy, resilient self-esteem. If one person has insecurities, they may agree to the arrangement to please their partner, but they will likely suffer immensely. This suffering will eventually poison the relationship. Both individuals must be secure enough in themselves and their bond to navigate the complexities without being consumed by jealousy or inadequacy.

Navigating this path requires a remarkable level of honesty, maturity, and self-awareness, which is likely why only a small percentage of couples choose it.

References

• Levine, E. C., Herbenick, D., Martinez, O., Fu, T.-C. J., & Dodge, B. (2018). Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among U.S. adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(5), 1439–1450.

  This study provides statistical support for the prevalence of open relationships. Based on a large national survey in the United States, its findings indicate that approximately 4-5% of adults are currently in consensually non-monogamous relationships, aligning with the figures mentioned in the article.

• Rubel, A. N., & Bogaert, A. F. (2015). Consensual nonmonogamy: Psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates. Journal of Sex Research, 52(9), 961-982.

  This research directly addresses the question of whether CNM relationships are less satisfying than monogamous ones. The authors found that individuals in CNM relationships reported similar levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being, and sexual satisfaction compared to those in monogamous relationships, which supports the article's core assertion that CNM does not inherently lead to a less happy partnership.