Are You Grieving the 'Right' Way? What Psychology Teaches Us About Loss

Death is nature's ingenious invention. It is the ultimate certainty, the one event we can neither outrun nor outwit. It is terrifying. What could be more frightening? Yet, because it is inevitable, perhaps our task is not to fear it or avoid it, but to understand it. As the writer Carlos Castañeda suggested, we should consult with death. Look over your left shoulder, he wrote, and you will see it. It is this awareness that gives life its profound meaning.

This is a difficult topic, but a necessary one. When we lose a loved one, we are plunged into a process that is as complex as it is painful. To navigate it, we must first understand it.

When the Mind Refuses to Believe

There are some concepts the human brain simply cannot grasp. We cannot truly comprehend what existed before we were born or before the universe began. We cannot conceive of infinity—endless space, endless time. The finality of death falls into this category of the incomprehensible.

This is why the first stage of grief is almost always shock and denial. “No, this can’t be right. There must be a mistake.” The mind protects itself by refusing to accept the unacceptable. There is an inner hope, a desperate belief, that this is all a terrible error. Even a decade after a profound loss, the brain can still play tricks. One might find themselves making a guest list for a holiday and including the person who is gone, only to be struck by the cold reality moments later. The mind’s refusal to accept is a powerful, protective, and deeply human response.

The Emotional Terrain of Loss

The American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross famously identified several stages of internal processes that follow a loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Later, she added a sixth and vital stage: the search for meaning.

In practical psychotherapy, this process is often seen through a four-stage lens:

• Shock and Denial: The initial state of disbelief and numbness.
• Anger and Protest: A rebellion against the unfairness of it all. “Why did this happen? He deserved to live, to be happy. This isn't fair.”
• Guilt and Sorrow: The stage of turning inward, blaming oneself or others—the doctors, friends, circumstances. This is accompanied by a deep, pervasive sadness.
• Humility and Acceptance: The final stage of coming to terms with the reality of the loss and beginning to integrate it into a new way of living.

It is fascinating how cultural and religious traditions across the world provide frameworks that mirror these stages. In Christianity, for instance, there are gatherings at three days, nine days, 40 days, and one year. These markers are not arbitrary; they provide structured moments for the bereaved to come together, process their grief, and collectively rethink how life will now exist in a new way.

How to Keep Walking When Your World Stops

When faced with grief, it’s easy to become lost. However, there are practical steps to help you navigate the darkness.

• Do Not Hide Your Emotions. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to talk, find someone who will listen. If you need to complain, do so. Releasing these feelings is essential; holding them in is toxic. You have a right to your emotions.
• Do Not Isolate Yourself. Don't lock yourself away with your worst thoughts and fantasies. It’s a vortex that can pull you under. Reach out to friends and family.
• Keep Yourself Busy. There’s a reason so many chores fall to the bereaved. Arranging documents, finding a place in a cemetery, preparing food for guests—these tasks force a return to the mechanics of life. To go to the store, you must look in the mirror, get dressed, and step outside into the real world. This reality pulls you out of the spiral of grief. It is vital that even the one who is suffering most has a life to attend to.
• Write a Letter. Pen a letter to the person you've lost. Fill it with memories, both good and bad. Apologize for anything that needs apology and express your gratitude. Imagine them in a peaceful place reading your words. What would you say to bring a smile to their face? This exercise can be incredibly therapeutic.
• Postpone Major Decisions. In a state of grief, you are not equipped to think rationally or set long-term priorities. Do not make any sudden, strategic, or life-altering decisions. Give yourself time.

Death: The Great Motivator

So, how do you live afterwards? First, give yourself time to recover. Take a vacation, change your surroundings, simply rest. For some, renovating or moving can help create a space free from painful reminders; for others, staying put provides comfort. Find what is right for you.

Next, look for new meaning. This is especially crucial for those who have lost a partner or a child. A woman who has lost a child has every right to build a new life, to consider a new family, at least for the sake of the one who has passed.

Finally, find a way to honor their memory. We visit cemeteries not for the dead, but for ourselves. It’s a moment to reflect on life and our own priorities. As Steve Jobs said in his famous Stanford address, “Death is very likely the single best invention of Life.” The awareness of our own mortality is what forces us to set our priorities straight, to value what truly matters. It's what makes us call our parents, pay more attention to our loved ones, and cherish our friendships.

Please, remember yourself. You have a right to build your own life and your own happiness. In doing so, you are not betraying anyone. On the contrary, for the sake of those who have gone, be happy.

References

• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Scribner.

  This is the foundational book that introduced the world to the five stages of grief. It is based on Dr. Kübler-Ross's extensive work with terminally ill patients and provides deep insight into the emotional processes of both the dying and the bereaved. The stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) are detailed throughout the book as common, though not rigidly sequential, reactions to loss.

• Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Scribner.

  Co-author with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, David Kessler expands on their original model by proposing a sixth stage: meaning. This work aligns with the article's motivational conclusion, arguing that while grief from a loss never fully disappears, the healing journey can lead to finding new purpose and meaning in life, which is essential for moving forward.

• Castañeda, C. (1972). Journey to Ixtlan: The Lessons of Don Juan. Simon & Schuster.

  This book contains the philosophical idea mentioned in the article about death being a constant companion and advisor. The teachings of Don Juan Matus encourage the warrior to live with an awareness of their own death, using it "as an adviser" (a recurring theme, see particularly Chapters 6 and 10). This perspective reframes death not just as an endpoint, but as a source of wisdom that gives life urgency and clarity.