"To Do More Harm Than Good": How Helping Can Sometimes Backfire

We all know the concept of doing something "to do more harm than good." This phrase captures a situation where someone’s well-intentioned help ends up creating more problems than it solves. The idea comes from the classic fable where a bear tries to help a man by shooing away a fly, but in the process, it accidentally smashes the man’s head with a rock. In real life, we often meet people who, despite their best efforts to help, create more issues than they resolve. These individuals are often driven by what psychologists call the "rescuer complex," where they feel compelled to "save" others, even when they shouldn’t.

At the start of a relationship, these rescuers can appear helpful, and many people even seek them out. For example, some people—especially women with specific ideas of what a "real man" should be—look for a partner who will help them solve their problems and provide emotional support. However, what they often fail to distinguish is between genuine help and the desire to rescue. They confuse the lines between mutual responsibility and personal boundaries, which can lead them into unhealthy dynamics with controlling partners.

Why We Seek Help, and Why It Can Go Wrong

Psychologists have long established that helping others can lead to happiness. In countries with high living standards, such as Finland, Sweden, and Switzerland, many people report that helping others brings them the most joy. This sense of happiness comes from being needed and useful, as helping others boosts external self-esteem and feeds one’s sense of self-worth.

However, the key to helping others in a healthy way is knowing where to draw the line. Rescuers who offer help without overstepping boundaries share two key characteristics:

1. They understand where their personal boundaries lie. They never give advice unless it’s specifically asked for, and they don’t intervene in situations where they are not invited.
2. They are able to say no without feeling guilty. They recognize that their time, energy, and resources are finite, and helping should not drain them or compromise their own well-being.

Healthy helping comes with an understanding of the price for one’s involvement. Sometimes, this price is financial, sometimes it’s emotional. But in all cases, the help offered is clear and agreed upon, whether it’s in exchange for emotional validation, a favor, or simply a thank you.

The Dangers of Rescuing: Help That Creates Dependency

A "rescue" happens when someone offers help not because they truly want to assist, but because they seek recognition, affection, or gratitude in return. This is where the danger lies. These rescuers don’t genuinely want to help, but instead want to control or manipulate the person they are trying to "save." The problem is that the person receiving the "help" is never truly free from the obligation to repay the favor.

The rescuer wants not only gratitude, but also submission—they want the recipient to believe that their life would have been ruined without their intervention. This is a classic behavior seen in narcissistic relationships, especially between narcissistic parents and their children. These parents often see their children as mere tools for their own emotional fulfillment.

For instance, a narcissistic mother may sacrifice everything for her child’s well-being—caring for them, providing for them, and giving up her own comfort. But when the child grows up and forms their own life outside of the mother's control, the mother feels betrayed. "I did everything for you, and now you’re leaving me for someone else?" she might say, manipulating the child into feeling guilty for choosing independence.

This behavior can also be seen in romantic relationships, where one partner uses their actions to create a sense of dependency. They may want to be the only one who "saved" the person and will use this leverage to keep them under control. Emotional manipulation becomes a tool to ensure that the recipient feels obligated to stay indebted to the rescuer.

Why Some People Become Rescuers

Oftentimes, rescuers are people who cannot help themselves. They may be lonely, frustrated, or unsuccessful in their own lives, so they turn to others, trying to fill the void in their life by fixing someone else’s problems. They offer unsolicited advice and try to fix other people’s situations, all the while failing to address their own shortcomings.

These rescuers are often emotionally dependent and believe that by helping others, they will finally feel important or needed. Unfortunately, their need for validation can cause them to become controlling, using "help" as a way to assert power and gain attention. They may even manipulate others into needing them, thus creating a relationship dynamic where one person becomes dependent on the rescuer.

For example, a person with low self-esteem may believe they can "save" a partner by giving them advice on how to live their life, despite the fact that they themselves are struggling emotionally. They may say things like, "You’re making a mistake, but I know how to fix it," all while ignoring their own emotional void. This behavior is rooted in self-serving motives rather than a desire to truly help.

The Consequences of Rescuing: Help That Turns Into Control

The consequences of accepting a "rescue" are often serious. The person offering help may genuinely believe they are doing something good, but their actions can end up making the recipient feel guilty, obligated, or controlled. In many cases, these dynamics spiral into unhealthy relationships, where one partner is constantly giving, and the other is constantly taking.

If the relationship involves narcissistic behavior, the rescuer may expect more than just gratitude. They expect submission, and they believe that their "rescue" gives them the right to dictate terms. The recipient of the "help" may find themselves trapped in a cycle of indebtedness, unable to escape the manipulative behavior.

How to Help Without Harm: Setting Boundaries

When it comes to helping others, it’s essential to establish clear boundaries. Genuine help should never come with a price tag of emotional control. The key is to always communicate openly and negotiate terms before agreeing to help. When you offer assistance, it should be done with mutual understanding of the exchange. If the person requesting help can’t offer anything in return, and you’re okay with that, then help for the sake of the help is fine. But always be aware of the consequences of expecting something in return, especially if it’s emotional validation.

True help is voluntary and unconditional, but it should never put one person’s well-being at risk for the sake of another’s self-gratification. Relationships should be mutual, where both parties respect each other’s boundaries. When these boundaries are blurred or manipulated, it can lead to unhealthy dependencies and toxic dynamics.

Conclusion: Helping Without Becoming a Rescuer

The concept of "helping" should always be based on mutual respect and clear boundaries. Be cautious of situations where help comes with strings attached, and remember that rescuing someone should never be about power or control. Helping others is a beautiful act, but it should never come at the cost of your own emotional well-being or be used as a tool for manipulation.